Argus Hamilton's column for 5-18-08

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

Charles Barkley was sued by the Wynn hotel in Las Vegas Thursday. He owes four hundred thousand dollars in gambling debts. This ends Charles Barkley's dream of becoming the governor of Alabama and launches his bid to become governor of Louisiana.

The California Supreme Court struck down a state law banning same-sex marriage Thursday, prompting gay marriages statewide. Why not get married? Nobody's worried about losing the house in the divorce because they already lost it in the foreclosure.

President Bush caused a firestorm in Washington Thursday when he told Israel's parliament that talking to Iran is like appeasing Hitler. First he said Saddam was Hitler, then he said Osama bin Laden was Hitler, now he says Ahmadinejad is Hitler. For a president who's opposed to cloning he can sure do it when it suits his purposes.

John Edwards endorsed Barack Obama for president at a rally in Grand Rapids Wednesday. The endorsement was very shrewdly timed. Any personal injury lawyer can chase an ambulance but it takes a really good one to know who's about to get run over.

Hillary Clinton went hunting for more primary victories Thursday, carrying her presidential campaign to South Dakota. There can only be one reason why she flew to the state where Custer made his last stand. The Alamo was booked for the NBA playoffs.

The Auto Club warned Los Angeles drivers Friday to stop tailgating to get better gas mileage. It causes awkward freeway situations. When one Range Rover follows another Range Rover too closely there's one chance in four the female Rover's in heat.

The National Parks Service said Thursday the sea wall protecting the Jefferson Memorial from the Tidal Basin is sinking. It's not really sinking. It's just that food and gasoline prices are so high that everything else appears lower by comparison.

The Labor Department reported Thursday that food prices had their steepest one-month jump in eighteen years in April. The price of produce was never higher. People who throw tomatoes at stand-up comedians are paying them better than the club owners.

Mississippi Republicans lost a seat in Congress Tuesday because Democrats told black congregations the GOP candidate was in the Ku Klux Klan. It's not what they thought. The Republicans are covered in white sheets because they're dead for November.

President Bush registered the highest job disapproval rating of any president in history Thursday. Over seventy-five percent think he's doing a bad job. He's just twenty-five points away from keeping his promise to be a uniter and not a divider.

Barack Obama finally admitted doing something wrong on the campaign trail last week. He apologized for calling a television news reporter sweetie. For years the Democrats have fought with Bill O'Reilly, no one ever thought of flirting with him.

GOP Congressman Vito Fossella refused to resign after a DUI arrest led to the discovery of his mistress and lovechild. He's decided to run for re-election. When you have two families to support, it's no time to give up your health insurance.

John McCain said as president he would have a Question Time with the House like Britain's prime minister does with Parliament. It always provides sparkling debate, raucous repartee and good-natured contentiousness. Government is so much more enjoyable when there is one king instead of five hundred and thirty-five of them.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio