Argus Hamilton's column for 5-15-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

Microsoft announced Monday the company has launched a new online telescope. It allows you to stargaze at your home computer by viewing digital images from land- and space-based telescopes. On really clear nights, you can see the price of gasoline.

Hillary Clinton won by a landslide in West Virginia's primary Tuesday. Seventy percent of voters told pollsters the Clintons represent their values. The tourism commercials say Virginia is for lovers, so West Virginia must be for sexual harassment.

Hillary Clinton praised West Virginians in her victory speech on Tuesday. They were tired of hearing all day from NBC that they are lower class, downscale, and blue collar. If you average in Jay Rockefeller they're right up there with Connecticut.

Hillary Clinton headed for Kentucky Wednesday where she leads Obama by a large margin. Her campaign is deeply in debt and she's begging for money in every victory speech but she'll never give up hope. The question is, does Jerry Lewis see her coming.

Congress ordered President Bush to stop filling the Strategic Petroleum Reserve Tuesday. He's raising gas prices by buying up oil when oil prices are the highest in history. It's the reason Yale has ended its policy of automatically admitting legacies.

President Bush revealed Tuesday he's given up golf out of respect for families who have lost loved ones in Iraq. It's a wise move. He doesn't want the families to see how fast he can get out of a sand trap when Dick Cheney's not making the decisions.

The Pentagon dismissed charges Tuesday against the alleged twentieth hijacker in the WTC attack. It's hopeless. The jury pool has seen Jeremiah Wright's sermons aired so many times the government is afraid it might not be able to get a conviction.

Jet Blue is being sued for forcing a passenger to sit on a toilet for a five-hour flight so a flight attendant could have his seat. It caused outrage. Senator Larry Craig telephoned his travel agent and demanded to know why this seat is never offered to him.

Law and Order's Dennis Farina was arrested at L.A. Airport Sunday. The screeners found an unregistered loaded gun in his briefcase. The actors might go on strike next month and it is the screeners' job to make sure they don't strike the Sears Tower.

The American Medical Journal said Tuesday that having two drinks a day makes you less likely to fracture your hips. It's especially true if you live in a two-story house. Falling down the stairs twice a day builds up enough scar tissue to cushion your bones.

John McCain's evangelical supporter Reverend James Hagee apologized on Tuesday if he offended Roman Catholics. He referred to the church as the Whore of Babylon. Senators were less concerned about the slur than about whether she's going to testify.

Barack Obama surprised supporters by choosing not to campaign in West Virginia last week. It was seen as a sign of softness. In high school Barack Obama quit the chess club because he felt that each game was turning into a black versus white issue.

Detroit's City Council voted to remove Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick for having text-message sex with an assistant. It's all the rage. Text-message sex is so popular that Pfizer is coming out with a new pill that will keep a man's thumb from going soft.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio