Argus Hamilton's column for 4-9-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

San Francisco protesters climbed up the cables of the Golden Gate Bridge Monday to protest China's brutality. It's why Asian immigrants do so well in America. While everybody else is jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge, they found a way to climb up it.

Princess Diana's death was ruled an unlawful killing by a British jury Monday. She was in a limo going one hundred twenty miles an hour and not wearing a seat belt. It's believed to be the last time a celebrity decided to show centrifugal force who's boss.

Japanese women were reported Monday to be paying male escorts fifty thousand dollars a night to sit with them at dinner and listen to them. There's no sex. If we put Guantanamo prisoners through this we would know where bin Laden was hiding by dessert.

Formula One chairman Max Mosley was taped being spanked by five hookers dressed as Nazis at a club in the London suburb of Chelsea. He refused to resign Monday. Bill and Hillary Clinton are demanding that he be fired for linking prostitutes to Chelsea.

Elton John will perform at a fundraiser for Hillary Clinton tonight at Radio City Music Hall. He's done previous tributes to Marilyn Monroe and Princess Diana. If Hillary Clinton were any deader she would be on the Larry King Show for the full hour.

Larry King was ejected from a Beverly Hills Little League game last week where his nine-year-old boy was playing. It's a special setting. In Beverly Hills Little League, if a kid gets four balls he doesn't walk, his mother drives him to first base.

CBS News was reported Monday to be negotiating to outsource all news reporting to CNN. The cable news networks are all ripe takeover targets. Their daily coverage of Barack Obama is so worshipful that they're now tax-exempt as religious broadcasters.

Bob Barr volunteered to run for president as the Libertarian Party candidate Monday. No one noticed. Hillary and Barack are taking up so much of the media attention that Britney Spears has been driven to the brink of insanity, even if it was a short drive.

Condoleezza Rice lobbied Sunday to be considered for the GOP vice presidential nod despite her record of foreign policy debacles. The GOP presidential nominee would have to be clinically insane to add her to the ticket. So it's as good as done.

John McCain campaigned in Kansas City on Monday where he touted his leadership skills. He's swimming against the tide. After eight years of leadership, Americans are longing for the days when we elected our presidents for their entertainment value.

John McCain's spokeswoman said Friday he never touches alcohol, when everyone in Washington knows he loves vodka martinis. They took women away from Clinton and he blows up every two days, they took alcohol away from Bush and he invaded Iraq. Take vodka martinis away from McCain and the White House physician will be Dr. Strangelove.

Iraqi rebel leader Muqtada al-Sadr vowed Monday he would disband his insurgent militia only if he's ordered to do so by senior religious leaders. That's just not going to happen. President Bush says he will not interfere in Iraq's internal affairs.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio