Argus Hamilton's column for 4-8-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

The San Francisco Giants removed every image of Barry Bonds from their stadium before this week's home opener. No team has signed him yet. Barry Bonds says he's in shape and he wants to play, but so far his only offer is from Senator Larry Craig.

The Pentagon was reported Saturday to be alarmed about the mental health of U.S. troops being sent back to Iraq again and again. A new strategy is needed. The best thinking is, if we really want to destroy al-Qaeda we should let them have Iraq for five years.

Sotheby's will auction a nude photo of Carla Bruni-Sarkozy, who just married the president of France. She was a supermodel. Now that France has a supermodel for a first lady they have a weapon that could tip the balance and destabilize the region.

Supermodel Naomi Campbell was taken off a British Airways flight for attacking a cop on a plane Thursday. She's twice been charged with assaulting her maids. Two-thirds of the reports of cell phone-related brain damage were caused by her fastball.

Senator John McCain finally agreed Friday to allow the Secret Service to surround him on the trail. It was inevitable. Until John McCain can accept the fact that disagreeing with him does not constitute high treason, the people deserve protection.

Pope Benedict will visit the White House and meet with President Bush when the pontiff arrives next week. It's not their first meeting. The last time they were together the president asked the pope for a miracle and sure enough, he got re-elected.

Bill Clinton released his tax returns Friday, showing he's made a fortune since he left office. His generosity is legendary. When he was president he used to go to Yellowstone and pose next to Old Faithful just to help out the beginning comedians.

Hillary Clinton was quoted Thursday saying Barack Obama cannot win in November, implying that race would be the determining issue. It's possibly true. After eight years of President Bush, voters aren't sure they can take a chance on another white guy.

Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke defended bailing out Wall Street bankers in last month's credit crisis. It's a once in a lifetime situation. While a bank's stock might crash just once, the homeowner will crash forever in his parents' basement.

Homeland Security ordered the Mexico border wall built Friday. They waived all environmental laws blocking its construction. Now naturalists are trying to gather up breeding pairs of the Pan-American construction worker to prevent their extinction.

Absolut vodka caused international outrage Friday with billboard ads in Mexico City. The billboards show a map of Mexico that includes the western United States inside its borders. Those truth-in-advertising laws have gotten way too strict.

John McCain stood on the balcony where Martin Luther King was shot Thursday and apologized for not voting to make his birthday a holiday. Barack apologized for referring to his grandma as a typical white woman and Hillary apologized for telling tall tales from the Balkans. It's the sorriest presidential campaign anyone can remember.

President Bush met with Vladimir Putin Saturday at the Russian leader's heavily wooded retreat in the Black Sea resort of Sochi. Following a lavish state dinner, the two leaders joined a traditional folk dance backed by a chorus of Cossacks. The president thinks it will improve his popularity if he's seen on Dancing with the Czars.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio