Argus Hamilton's column for 4-7-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

Bill and Hillary Clinton released their tax returns Friday, revealing that they made nearly a hundred and ten million dollars since leaving the White House. No one begrudges them. Americans have always felt that great comedians are worth every penny.

Wilt Chamberlain may be immortalized with his photograph on a U.S. postage stamp, it was reported Friday. The basketball legend claimed in his autobiography that he slept with ten thousand women. They are putting his picture on the overnight stamp.

Brett Favre's agent asked NFL teams last week if they want to acquire him from Green Bay. We can guess what happened. After three weeks of farming he's decided he would rather sit in the middle of the Coliseum and wait for Los Angeles to get a team.

The Cincinnati Bengals cut star wide receiver Chris Henry following his fifth arrest. He punched a man in the face and broke his car window with a beer bottle. Under Ohio law, you have to have a permit to hold a Jewish wedding in a parking space.

The Mayflower Hotel said its gift shop has sold out of souvenirs since the Eliot Spitzer sex scandal broke. The former governor spent eighty thousand dollars on hookers. He's so grateful that the ethics rules did not allow him to put that money in Bear Stearns.

Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke defended the Bear Stearns bailout before Congress on Thursday. Wall Street banking firms narrowly avoided an industry-wide meltdown. Now President Bush cites his greatest success as his failure to privatize Social Security.

Homeland Security last week ordered the construction of the Mexico border wall to proceed as scheduled. It's a little late. With the recession, the layoffs, high gas prices and home foreclosures we only need the wall to keep everybody from leaving.

Barack Obama bowled a gutter ball in front of cameras while he was campaigning for president. He promised he would tear out the White House bowling alley and put in a basketball court. Now he's in trouble for violating Indiana's pandering statutes.

Hillary Clinton got laughs with Jay Leno Thursday saying she dodged sniper fire driving in from the airport. It'll happen soon enough. When the law in California requires hands-free cell phones in July, everybody's shooting hand will be free again.

Martin Luther King's biographer Clarence Jones said Friday that Americans have racial amnesia about black suffering. That's an old story. The most identifiable trait of Anglo-Saxons is that we always mistake a short memory for a clear conscience.

Bill Clinton said Wednesday he was a Georgetown student the night that Dr. King was killed, and as Washington D.C. erupted in flames he turned his car into an ambulance and ran supplies to black people hiding in church basements. Barack Obama gave it a five. Politicians all do Jesus impressions the way comedians used to do Ed Sullivan.

Zimbabwe unveiled a new fifty-million-dollar note Friday because inflation is so bad a loaf of bread costs sixteen million dollars. It's unprecedented. No one has seen a fifty-million-dollar note since Paul McCartney wrote thank you and good-bye.

Liberia's former ruler Charles Taylor had a bad day at his war crimes trial at the Hague Thursday. His staffers said he had his enemies murdered and cannibalized. One day the dictator got severe indigestion when he ate someone who disagreed with him.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio