Argus Hamilton's column for 4-6-08

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

Washington's Mayflower Hotel said Thursday its gift shop has sold out of hotel souvenirs since Eliot Spitzer met a hooker there. You know what this means. If Bill Clinton really wants to help Hillary he should shut up and have another sex scandal.

Jerry Seinfeld rolled his Fiat when his brakes failed on a highway Friday. He jerked the emergency break, spun his steering wheel, rolled over twice and walked away unharmed. Nothing annoys the Highway Patrol like the annual James Bond auditions.

Arizona Cardinals quarterback Matt Leinart apologized Thursday after photos of him surfaced on the Internet. They show him in his hot tub with four girls, drinking from a beer bong. Everyone's disappointed. At the scouting combine he did six girls and two bongs.

The Oklahoma Capitol hosted a rally in support of lawmaker Sally Kern, who said gays were more dangerous than terrorists. It's a question of family values. When the movie Oklahoma airs on television, the local station puts a blue dot over the dancing scenes.

NATO refused President Bush's demand that Ukraine and Georgia be admitted to the alliance. He's lucky they said no. If NATO expands too fast, everyone will put two and two together and remember that the Texas Rangers started using steroids when he owned them.

President Bush enjoyed a giant victory Thursday when NATO unanimously approved the U.S.-built missile shield. He's lobbied for the idea for six years. He's so used to everything going wrong that the moment it was approved, he distanced himself from it.

President Bush met Vladimir Putin Saturday at Sochi on the Black Sea. The Russian leader is believed to have amassed the world largest oil fortune. He still has his first nickel because he doesn't have the Bush family on retainer the way the Saudis do.

President Bush will ask Congress this week to pass a free trade agreement with Colombia. It was negotiated to help U.S. manufacturers. The president got a special no-tariff deal for Caterpillar, but the caterpillars must agree not to eat the coca bushes.

Barack Obama's Chicago church held a protest against all the media coverage of Rev. Jeremiah Wright. It's why Chicago will always be the Second City. Churches in New York and L.A. are hiring Jeremiah Wright impersonators just for the free media coverage.

Hillary Clinton flew to Los Angeles for a fundraiser Thursday and then appeared on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno in Burbank. It had to be a stressful trip. All the adoring cable news stories about Barack Obama begin three hours earlier out here.

Hillary Clinton arrived at Burbank Airport Thursday for one day of campaigning in Los Angeles. She ordered her driver to take as many freeways as possible and to switch lanes without signaling. Hillary thinks the only way to win back the black vote is to get shot on the anniversary of Martin Luther King's assassination.

London Mayor Ken Livingstone said Thursday the city will begin charging gas-guzzling vehicles a fifty-dollar-a-day entrance fee in October. People are balking. For a cover charge like that, they'd better have the Beatles playing at the Cavern Club.

Ted Turner told PBS Friday that in forty years, global warming will destroy all crops and man will be reduced to cannibalism. Then he called the insurgents in Iraq patriots. One day Ted Turner's bones will be on display at the Dinosaur Park in Utah, representing the age when television networks were not owned by the defense industry.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio