Argus Hamilton's column for 4-3-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

Tokyo scientists announced Monday they are able to reverse the effects of cirrhosis of the liver. That's great news. Now if they can just find a way to reverse the effects of oil prices, we will have gotten away with all our addictions scot-free.

Thomas Beatie will take an ultrasound on Oprah Winfrey's show today to prove he's pregnant. He's a transgender male who says he got pregnant by artificial insemination. It's becoming harder and harder to meet the requirements for the Episcopal priesthood.

The Ringling Brothers Barnum and Bailey Circus arrived in New York Tuesday for a week in Madison Square Garden. It's what's left of a once-great circus. The Wild West Show left Ringling Brothers seven years ago to form the Bush Administration.

The White House authorized the bypassing of environmental laws Tuesday so that the Mexican border fence can be built. Now nothing stands in the way of building it except one thing. The president of Mexico just ordered his people not to build it.

Senator Barack Obama continued his bus tour of Pennsylvania on Monday where he visited a chocolate factory and gave a speech criticizing John McCain, making no mention of Hillary Clinton. He looked positively jubilant. His pastor's gone missing.

GOP presidential candidate John McCain returned to Alexandria Tuesday where he spent his teenage years as a student at Episcopal High School. That's the name of the school today. When John McCain was a teenager, it was still the Church of England.

Cuba's government announced Tuesday that it will lease unused lands to private farmers who want to grow tobacco. It's a landmark decision. By the time private enterprise works its magic in Cuba, Philip Morris is going to be the fifty-first state.

U.S. oil company executives were hauled before a congressional committee Tuesday and told to spend more money on alternative fuels. These executives aren't scared by a little interrogation. The Spanish Inquisition was the oil industry's first customer.

The Screen Actors Guild met with Hollywood producers on Monday to try to reach a deal and avoid a strike when the contract ends in June. Nobody wants the actors on strike. Sniper Fire Theater wouldn't be the same without your host, Hillary Clinton.

Hillary Clinton compared herself to Rocky Balboa in her speech in Philadelphia Tuesday. It's not the first time that's been said. Reporters compared her to Rocky Balboa whenever Bill Clinton came downstairs to the press conference with a black eye.

Hillary Clinton challenged Barack Obama on Monday to a winner-take-all bowling contest. Then she said it was an April Fool's joke. Her goal is to be the first Democrat to make fun of working class diversions and still get the party's nomination.

President Bush arrived for NATO talks in Romania where his plan to add Georgia and Ukraine as new members ran into opposition. Russia is furious. Three of the NATO dinners ended with the delegates laying a wreath at the Tomb of the Food Tasters.

CBS News announced Tuesday it's making deep cuts in its news staff due to disappointing earnings last quarter. Many CBS local anchors and local reporters were axed in the bloodbath. Bear Stearns executives can turn to each other in the soup line and console themselves with the knowledge that they had the sense not to hire Katie Couric.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio