Argus Hamilton's column for 4-27-08

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

U.S. Judge David Doty denied the NFL's motion to force Michael Vick to give back his sixteen million dollar signing bonus. Something isn't right. Michael Vick is in prison for arranging vicious dogfights while Howard Dean walks the streets a free man.

Homeland Security scrapped its virtual border fence with Mexico Monday because it just doesn't work. It consisted of electronic towers and surveillance radar. In one month the only Mexicans it caught were infielders on Direct TV's baseball package.

Barack Obama denied his comments marked him as an elitist, while Hillary denied being an elitist in Indiana. Who isn't an elitist anymore? We live in a country where you have to pay a hundred dollars a month to watch a TV series about John Adams.

Rocky the Bear killed his trainer near Los Angeles Tuesday. The bear co-starred with Will Ferrell in Semi-Pro. The trainer should have caged Rocky before telling him that he should start thinking about playing the father of the leading bear roles.

Congo police arrested a dozen tribal sorcerers for using black magic to shrink men's penises or make them disappear. This is wrong. These witch doctors should be extradited to the United States right away and hired as House and Senate chaplains.

The National Football League holds its annual college player draft on Saturday at Madison Square Garden. The setting is legendary. This is the same arena where they hold America's favorite dog show, otherwise known as a New York Knicks home game.

Jose Canseco was questioned by federal investigators about his latest charges in a new book. So far he's been right about everything. Federal investigators want to ask Jose Canseco if Iran is making weapons-grade uranium or just developing nuclear power.

Disney Book Group announced Monday that teenage superstar Miley Cyrus will write her memoirs. The sitcom star and pop phenom is fifteen years old. The highlight of the book will be her year in the third grade when she turned her life around.

President Bush said on Tuesday it's time to tap the Alaskan wildlife refuge for oil. Environmentalists oppose it, saying oil drilling discourages mating by caribou and wolves. If they had ever seen an oil rig they would know it only reminds them to mate.

The King of Jordan met with President Bush Wednesday to discuss his Middle East peace concerns. He need not worry. The king and his late father have been lifelong friends of the United States, so we would never try to bring democracy to Jordan.

Formula One racing president Max Mosley vowed to clear his name Monday after he was videotaped at home in London being beaten by five women dressed up as German soldiers. He should come to the states. He'd enjoy running in the Democratic primaries.

Hillary Clinton raised three million dollars in the hours after her victory in Pennsylvania on Tuesday night which barely kept her in the presidential race. It was yet another thrilling escape. You can't be married to Harry Houdini for thirty years and not learn how to get out of a chained-up box at the bottom of the East River.

John McCain campaigned in Kentucky and New Orleans Wednesday. He told the locals to their faces that he was there to highlight poverty and neglect. The North Vietnamese held him prisoner of war for nine years until they just couldn't listen to him anymore.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio