Argus Hamilton's column for 4-24-08

OKLAHOMA CITY--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

Hillary Clinton won the Pennsylvania primary Tuesday, extending her battle with Barack Obama for the nomination. It looked close for awhile. The networks wouldn't project a winner until they talked to Michael Vick to see if he had a dog in this fight.

President Bush made a video appearance on Deal or No Deal Monday to root on an Army captain who ended up winning eighty thousand bucks. It's the president's new policy on improving veterans' benefits. He puts them on game shows and wishes them luck.

The National Football League expressed concern on Tuesday over reports of lead in the artificial turf in their stadiums. The players are increasingly at risk. If you think there's lead in the artificial turf you should see the shell casings on the floor of the strip clubs.

Doris Day's new biography tells of her love affair with Mickey Mantle. They would meet at his St. Regis Hotel suite. Alex Rodriguez just learned that real New York Yankee stars don't go to strip joints, they have Doris Day brought to their room.

Long Island's Young Democrats protested Tuesday that global warming is reducing the harvests of hops, causing beer prices to soar. Environmentalists are alarmed. The recycling industry could collapse without beer bottles and cans from college towns.

Laura Bush guest-hosted the Today show Tuesday and conducted an Earth Day tour of the Crawford ranch. The idea was to show how eco-friendly it is. She even took viewers around to the back of the horse stalls to show how the foreign policy is made.

President Bush insisted Tuesday that the U.S. economy is not in recession. The nation faces record-high gas prices, food shortages and a collapse in the home mortgage market. It's making Americans nostalgic for the relative peace and quiet of terrorism.

New York Mercantile Exchange traders saw oil prices reach one hundred twenty dollars per barrel Tuesday. On top of that, food prices have skyrocketed. Prince William just lost his girlfriend to a guy who's forty pounds overweight and has a full tank of gas.

Hillary Clinton kept rolling with her win in Pennsylvania on Tuesday. Her task is now threefold. She must raise money, win in Indiana and address the fear that if elected president, her husband will turn the White House into a polygamist compound.

John McCain was in Ohio Tuesday where he assured steelworkers that he can make free trade work for them. That's actually true. If John McCain becomes president, much of the world will purchase bomb shelters reinforced with good old American steel.

The White House proposed new fuel-economy standards on Tuesday. They want cars to average thirty-two miles a gallon in seven years. The very idea of President Bush proposing fuel economy is like President Clinton proposing abstinence education.

Hillary Clinton showed images of Osama bin Laden in late television ads Monday, hinting Barack Obama wouldn't be a tough president. It was way below the belt. The pope's wheels were barely in the air before things got back to normal in America.

Al-Qaeda's second-in-command Ayman al-Zawahiri blasted Palestinian terror group Hamas Tuesday for meeting with Jimmy Carter and telling him they might agree to recognize Israel. You can't make it up. In one meeting Jimmy Carter ticked off both Al-Qaeda and the Bush administration, proving again that he can bring people together.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio