Argus Hamilton's column for 4-23-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

Danica Patrick made auto sports history Sunday, becoming the first woman to win an Indy Car race with a win in Tokyo. She won the Indy Japan 300. President Bush telephoned her afterwards and congratulated her on bowling twelve consecutive strikes.

Hillary Clinton made a last-minute appeal for voter turnout in Pennsylvania in campaign ads Monday. She invoked Pearl Harbor and the Berlin Wall and Gettysburg. She didn't give up when she was under attack then, and she's not going to give up now.

Barack Obama denied taking lobbyist money for his presidential campaign Monday in Pennsylvania. He insists his donors are just regular folks who throw him fifty dollars when they have it. He was smart to design his website to look like a gas pump.

Los Angeles Airport Monday began offering passengers a choice between a pat-down or full-body scan. What's unique is that they scan just the passengers coming into Los Angeles. Anyone found overweight or flat-chested is put on the next plane flight home.

Harrison Ford was reported Monday to have worked in the new Indiana Jones film for no money until it makes a profit. The character is getting old. After Harrison Ford kisses the leading lady the audience has to wait thirty minutes for the fade-out.

The New York Sun said Monday Americans in some parts of the country have begun hoarding food. They're stocking up on flour, rice and cooking oil. Whenever people go into a survival mode the Atkins Diet is the first thing thrown out of the lifeboat.

Cuba's government television network added The Sopranos to their fall schedule Monday. It could be seen as sympathy for dictators. For thirty-five years they've aired the movie Jaws every night to discourage ballplayers from going to the Yankees.

Saddam Hussein's cousin Chemical Ali was hospitalized in Baghdad Tuesday while he awaits trial. He's been charged with manufacturing Saddam Hussein's weapons of mass destruction. The moral is, never hire a relative if you really want the job done.

Pope Benedict flew home to Rome Sunday after a pilgrimage to America that went nearly perfectly. He couldn't have been too happy about preaching from the mound in Yankee Stadium. Any distance between the performer and the front row kills your jokes.

The World Wrestling Federation offered to let Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama settle the Democratic nomination in the wrestling ring. It wouldn't be a fair fight. Barack has never thrown a chair in his life while Hillary has thirty years' experience.

John McCain raised concerns about his candidacy Monday when he reported raising only fifteen million dollars in March. He doesn't need to raise much money at this stage. It only costs him three dollars to eat if he gets to Denny's before five o'clock.

John McCain tried to reach out to African-Americans in Alabama Monday with his speech at a community center near the famed Selma Bridge. He wanted to remind black voters that not every Republican's their enemy. So he drove through town in a Lincoln.

President Bush hosted a conference in New Orleans to show the city has recovered from Hurricane Katrina. The storm caused many to lose faith. It's hard to reconcile an Old Testament God who would destroy homes and churches and spare the French Quarter.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio