Argus Hamilton's column for 4-22-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

The New York Yankees denied Pope Benedict permission to ride the popemobile on Yankee Stadium's grass Sunday. It shows no respect for all that is holy. Imagine the pope wanting to drive a car on the ground where Mantle, DiMaggio, and Ruth once stood.

President Bush hosted a NAFTA meeting with leaders of Canada and Mexico Monday and denounced what he called the scare tactics of isolation. It's a question of executive authority. He's the only one in Washington who's licensed to use scare tactics.

Prince William caused an uproar Sunday by landing his air force helicopter in his girlfriend's yard. Tabloids headlined the swashbuckling stunt. He could have been our king too, but thanks to John Adams all we get is Jenna Bush releasing a children's book.

Hillary Clinton was endorsed Sunday by former nemesis and Pittsburgh newspaper owner Richard Mellon Scaife. It's pure self-interest. Ever since Bill Clinton moved out of the White House, newspaper circulation in America has been falling like a stone.

Ted Danson tended bar in a Fort Wayne saloon on Saturday while campaigning for Hillary. She drank whiskey shots on camera in Indiana, prompting Barack to down beers at a honky-tonk in Latrobe. The last Democrat to feel your pain was Bill Clinton.

Pope Benedict led a church service in Yankee Stadium Sunday. The crowd recited the statement of confession and then the pope absolved them of all their sins. People came from all over America just so they could sin in New York the night before.

Pope Benedict was given a parade up Fifth Avenue in Manhattan Saturday. It was a novel sight. Usually when two million New Yorkers drop to their knees and call out the name of Jesus Christ, it means the Yankees just blew another late-inning lead.

Pope Benedict drew adoring crowds in the United States all weekend. The church has had two consecutive outstanding popes. Now the pressure is on for Howard Dean to fire all of the superdelegates and replace them with the College of Cardinals.

The Olympic flame left Malaysia Monday en route to Nepal, where the torch will be carried up Mount Everest. Chinese officials gave soldiers orders to shoot all protesters. China must be on the road to democracy, they just adopted the Nixon Doctrine.

Princeton physicist Edward Lorenz, who fathered the chaos theory, died at ninety Friday. His contended that a butterfly flapping its wings in Brazil could set off a tornado in Texas. Before we had global warming everything was the butterfly's fault.

The London Marathon was run last weekend by a one-hundred-year-old man who ran the twenty-six-mile race in ten hours. He stopped halfway for a pint of beer and a cigarette. When you've beaten the Germans twice, no one questions your workout routine.

The French Assembly passed a bill Tuesday making it a crime for advertisers to incite extreme thinness in women in magazine ads. French men aren't concerned that women will starve themselves to death. It's just that the breasts are the first to go.

CNN anchor Richard Quest was arrested in Central Park late Thursday. Police say he was wearing a single rope tied around his neck and genitals. Ever since Luciano Pavarotti died, the competition has been fierce for the title of World's Greatest Tenor.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio