Argus Hamilton's column for 4-21-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

The Weather Channel reported earthquakes in downstate Illinois Friday centered in Springfield. It was quickly a campaign issue. Within the hour, Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama were accusing each other of causing Abe Lincoln to spin in his grave.

Houston Astros star Miguel Tejada was confronted by ESPN Thursday with a birth certificate proving he's two years older than listed. A reporter can't legally do this to somebody in California. It's considered a breach of actor-God confidentiality.

Britney Spears crashed her Mercedes-Benz convertible into the trunk of another car in Los Angeles last Saturday. She just recently got her driver's license. She wasn't allowed to drive in Los Angeles until her doctor certified her as mentally ill.

Wisconsin microbrewer Tom Seefurth began selling Mamma Mia pizza-flavored beer in Madison Friday. It lets busy Americans do two things at once. Perhaps Congress will pass the free trade deal with Colombia if they'll grow Cheetos-flavored marijuana.

Barack Obama complained about his debate questions from ABC News. They questioned his ties to unrepentant Weather Underground anarchists who blew up police stations. Only Vitamin C attaches itself to more free floating radicals than Barack Obama does.

ABC News was jubilant over the ratings for their debate between Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama Wednesday. It drew ten million viewers. Fox just announced plans to replace American Idol with a reality show which combines witch trials with lynchings.

Pope Benedict spoke to the U.N. on Friday, where he urged collective intervention to enforce human rights. Earlier in the day he met with weeping sex abuse victims. No one knows who set up the meeting with the Congressional pages but it was a mistake.

Pope Benedict urged diplomacy in his U.N. speech Friday, invoking Jesus's command to do unto others as you would have them do unto you. The assembly fell silent at these words. Only a German accent can make the Golden Rule sound like a final warning.

Pope Benedict was honored with a parade down Fifth Avenue in New York Saturday in his popemobile. Hundreds of thousands of people stood ten-deep and cheered the head of their church. Barack Obama has never seen so much bitterness in all his life.

Pope Benedict held an interfaith meeting Saturday before he delivered a speech at New York's Park East Synagogue. He went to a Jewish temple for a reason. Just like comedians, popes love to go where audiences have never heard their material before.

John McCain released his tax returns Friday, showing he earned four hundred thousand dollars last year. His wife is worth a hundred million dollars. By nominating John McCain, Republicans are sending a signal they aren't conceding the gigolo vote to the Democrats.

Vladimir Putin was reported Friday to have divorced his wife to marry Olympic gold medal winner Alina Kabayeva. She's a gymnast known for her extreme flexibility. She has to be flexible for when they play their favorite game, the oil man and the tax collector.

Jimmy Carter met with exiled leaders of the Hamas terrorist group in Syria Friday despite Israel's furious opposition to the meeting. He said his purpose was to start a dialogue between two peoples who won't talk to each other. He wanted an easier challenge after he couldn't get Paul McCartney and Heather Mills to bury the hatchet.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio