Argus Hamilton's column for 4-20-08

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

ABC News aired a debate between Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton Wednesday. It was the Democratic party's twenty-first debate. No one wants to say it feels like this presidential campaign will never end but the debates are now old enough to drink.

Pope Benedict preached at a worship service at Yankee Stadium in New York City Saturday before he conducted a high mass. Over fifty thousand worshippers were in attendance. All denominations were welcomed, but fifties and hundreds were encouraged.

Safeway blamed soaring food prices Friday on the demand for corn as a gasoline substitute. Farmers are making a killing turning fields into fuel depots. Don't be surprised if before the president leaves office he tries to bring democracy to Kansas.

President Bush met with British Prime Minister Gordon Brown at the White House Thursday. The timing was perfect. There's nothing like a papal visit to distract the press and give the British Empire a chance to get together and plan its next expansion.

Gordon Brown told a White House press conference Thursday the civilized world owes President Bush a tremendous debt of gratitude for his willingness to fight terrorism all over the world. He knows the rules. You say that or you don't get dinner.

Prime Minister Gordon Brown arrived in America for meetings Wednesday. For years he's summered at Cape Cod next door to Ted Kennedy's home. However they've never run into each other, most likely because they both drive on the left side of the road.

Pope Benedict tried to heal a breach with Muslims, Hindus, Sikhs and Buddhists at a meeting Thursday. A past comment he made insulted and alienated them. Normally to anger that many religions with one remark you would have to criticize Barack Obama.

Hillary Clinton was hammered by ABC News in the debate for claiming she dodged sniper fire at Bosnia's airport. The story has evolved. Now she says she fired two Bosnians for doing shots of Crown Royal on the tarmac that had been poured for her.

Barack Obama was quizzed in ABC's debate over his ties to a Sixties radical and his pastor's anti-American sermons. Now rednecks don't have to admit they oppose him because he's black. They haven't had this much cover fire since the Battle of Bull Run.

Barack Obama told a San Francisco crowd small-town Americans turn to guns and religion when they're bitter. No one in the room thought there was anything wrong with what he said. This is why San Francisco comedians can't get work outside San Francisco.

U.S. Congressman Peter DeFazio introduced a bill Wednesday to ban cell phone use during airline flights. The airlines will soon relax rules and allow passengers to use their cell phones. It gives them something to put in their mouths in lieu of food.

The Transportation Department ordered airlines to pay passengers who get bumped from flights a penalty payment. The government ordered airlines to pay passengers eight hundred dollars for each bump. The Washington D.C. madam is going to jail for less.

A Los Angeles jury on Thursday convicted two elderly women dubbed the Black Widows for buying life insurance policies on homeless men and then running them over with their car and killing them. It was a stupid scheme. As much money as they spent on gasoline to run these guys over, the entire insurance payout went straight to Exxon.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio