Argus Hamilton's column for 4-2-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

President Bush was loudly booed when he threw out the first pitch at the Washington Nationals opener. It was awful. When Laura Bush runs for president she can say she dodged sniper fire at the Washington Nationals' stadium and the tape will back her up.

The Olympic torch arrived in China Monday to begin the countdown to the Summer Games in Beijing. The athletes are upset. They can barely breathe the smog, and the police beatings are deplorable, but they're the ones who chose to train in Los Angeles.

The New York Archdiocese announced Saturday it will present Pope Benedict with a skateboard decorated by parish kids when he visits in May. It should be a very quick trip. If he starts taking confessions in New York, he'll never get out of there.

Yankee Stadium held its last opening day on Tuesday. Babe Ruth, Lou Gehrig and Mickey Mantle spent their careers there before dying of rare incurable diseases. You would think the health department would have closed down the stadium decades ago.

The Washington Nationals opened their new stadium Sunday, which is located in the city's brothel district. That industry is doomed in this country. The Puritan ethic states that it's far better to have loved and lost than to have paid for it and not liked it.

The Tudors began its second season on Showtime Sunday about the legendary life of Henry VIII. Rulers in that era had a lot more fun. Bill Clinton had to go on a diet after overeating and get his wife a Senate seat to keep her from beheading him.

Condi Rice declared Thursday that because the U.S. Constitution allowed slavery, America has a birth defect. So that's why we do so badly in school. Americans have always felt that America is special and now we find out that America is special needs.

John McCain began his Biography Tour in Mississippi on Monday. His father was a four-star admiral and his grandfather was a four-star admiral whose father was a Confederate officer whose grandfather served under George Washington. The McCain family has attacked so many countries that they should have their own History Channel.

The NFL on Monday scheduled its opening game in September the same night as the GOP Convention in Minneapolis. It's a bad move. The NFL will soon find out it can't compete with the drama of Republicans convening in the Minneapolis Airport men's room.

Al Gore announced an ad campaign on Monday to raise awareness about greenhouse gas emissions. He's become fabulously wealthy as a spokesman for green energy. It's okay for Democrats to become filthy rich as long as they feel just terrible about it.

The White House issued the National Trade Estimate Report Friday which accuses sixty-two countries of erecting unfair barriers to U.S. exports. Afghanistan has heroin, Colombia has cocaine, Mexico has marijuana, and the United States has American Idol. You can't blame other countries for banning the import of mind-destroying drugs.

President Bush lectured Congress Monday before he left for the NATO summit in Eastern Europe this week. The president said lawmakers have to pass housing reform, a free-trade deal with Colombia and an eavesdropping bill. He's given them plenty of chores so they don't have any wild parties in the House while he and Laura are away.

Barack Obama's handwritten notes were discovered Monday on a voter group questionnaire that he previously said he'd never seen. A rival campaign gave it to the media to prove Obama is more liberal than he pretends. The campaign didn't want to be identified because criticizing Barack Obama is now a hate crime in thirty-seven states.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio