Argus Hamilton's column for 4-18-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

Massachusetts Institute of Technology professor Edward Lorenz died on Tuesday at home at the age of ninety. He became famous as the father of chaos theory. All flags at the U.S. State Department will fly at half-staff for the next thirty days.

Pope Benedict held a televised prayer ceremony with U.S. bishops at the National Shrine Wednesday. It wasn't on for long. The network coverage was interrupted by the release of the NFL schedule and the president's annual address on the NFL schedule.

The White House hosted the pope along with fifteen thousand guests on the South Lawn Wednesday. The crowd hung upon his every word. Pope Benedict looks fifteen years younger than he actually is, and Americans of all faiths were anxious to hear how he does it.

Pope Benedict held mass for fifty thousand people at the Washington Nationals' new stadium Thursday. Rival teams reacted. Acting on a tip, construction workers jackhammered into the stadium and removed a jersey from Southern Methodist University.

Pope Benedict said Wednesday his visit is a church visit, not a state visit. He also said freedom's foundation crumbles whenever the truth is lost. He couldn't have insulted President Bush any more directly if he had urged Oklahoma to beat Texas.

Pope Benedict was cheered by thousands of Roman Catholics Wednesday during his parade in Washington. He faces problems that require his prayers. The church has to sell off real estate to pay the sexual abuse claims and the market's just terrible.

The Supreme Court upheld the constitutionality of execution by lethal injection on Wednesday. The methods vary. Some states use the electric chair, some states use the gas chamber, but in California they find somebody younger who looks just like you.

Hillary Clinton was endorsed by the Plasterers Union Tuesday. Support law and order, you get the Police Union, support tariffs, you get the autoworkers. Drink a shot and a beer on camera, and you are the national spokesman for getting plastered.

John McCain's wife Cindy got into hot water when an intern copied recipes from the Food Network and posted them as McCain Family Recipes. Cindy's nearly anorexic and John was a prisoner of war. The only family recipe they've got is bread and water.

Bruce Springsteen said Wednesday that Barack Obama speaks to the America he's envisioned in his music for thirty-five years. It was startling. When anyone admits his age in show business it can only mean he's angling for an affordable housing unit.

Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama squared off in another debate Wednesday night in Philadelphia. They're going to fight to the bloody end. It's such a death match with so much on the line that Frank Langella just optioned the rights to play Hillary.

British Prime Minister Gordon Brown had lunch in New York on Wednesday with top Wall Street executives. It was startling to see investment bankers chatting with the head of a Labor Party. They've fallen so far they are thinking of unionizing.

The Consumer Price Index indicated Monday that grocery prices skyrocketed this first quarter, and chips, cola and beer are through the roof. The calories aren't a problem. With gasoline at four dollars a gallon we are walking it off as fast as we can eat it.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio