Argus Hamilton's column for 4-17-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

Pope Benedict arrived at Andrews Air Force Base aboard Shepherd One on Tuesday where he was met by President Bush. It was nationally televised. When the plane executed a perfect touchdown, the pope ordered a tape of the landing sent to Notre Dame.

Indonesia cracked down on prostitution in the capital city of Jakarta Monday. The police have ordered all masseuses to padlock their pants. If you lock your keys in your car in Indonesia you might have to wait a week before a locksmith can get to you.

South Africa's Trevor Immelman won the Masters at Augusta National Golf Club in Georgia. He's a natural favorite there. Every February Bishop Desmond Tutu used to attend spring training in Georgia to get in shape for the apartheid protest season.

Robert Redford announced Monday that he will produce and star in a movie about Jackie Robinson breaking Major League Baseball's color barrier with the Brooklyn Dodgers. Everybody in Hollywood had the same reaction. He's much too old for the part.

Herschel Walker said in his book released Monday that he had a multiple personality disorder throughout his football career. He said he managed twelve separate personalities. It should have been apparent during his senior season when he beat Clemson by himself.

American Idol topped the ratings again last week for Fox Network. Many tune in for the judges. It's fun to see an erratic woman, a smooth black guy and a cranky white guy arguing over something besides which one of them should be elected president.

Hillary Clinton accused Barack Obama of elitism as she downed a shot of Crown Royal in an Indiana bar Saturday. She meant well. Leave it to Hillary to order a super premium Canadian whiskey to show her solidarity with America's working class.

John McCain was interviewed on Hardball at Villanova University Tuesday where he defended the war in Iraq and speculated on a war with Iran. The candidate had no trouble filling the arena. They were giving away free draft exemptions at the door.

Barack Obama played basketball on HBO's Real Sports Tuesday. His brother-in-law said he used to play like a black player but now he plays white to avoid any injuries. Whenever he drives the lane he stops to make sure the kids are buckled in.

Pope Benedict was cheered by the official U.S. delegation when his plane landed Tuesday. No one dared to bring up the pope's Nazi past. If not for captured Nazi rocket scientists, there would be a lot more people without jobs in Texas and Florida.

China demanded an apology from CNN after commentator Jack Cafferty called Chinese leaders goons and thugs. He also said China's products are junk. It's nice to know there's a government somewhere that doesn't have every TV set tuned to Fox News.

Delta Airlines was reported Tuesday to be near approval of a merger with Northwest Airlines as regulators went over details. It's huge. If you combine the number of passengers in their economy class cabins, only Zimbabwe lets more people starve every day.

President Bush ordered the release of two hundred million dollars in emergency food aid Monday in response to food riots overseas in the Third World. The guy just can't win. President Bush will hold the distinction of being the only president in history held responsible for a food shortage and an obesity epidemic at the same time.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio