Argus Hamilton's column for 4-16-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

The History News Network released a poll on Monday which shows ninety-eight percent of historians rate President Bush's presidency a failure. This would explain why Pope Benedict is arriving in Washington today. This is too big a job for Billy Graham.

The World Bank warned Monday that the high cost of food and resulting food shortage is causing Third World hunger riots. There must be a solution. Scientists all over the world are trying to develop crops that Americans cannot convert into gasoline.

A New York collector bought a fifty-year-old film of Marilyn Monroe giving oral sex to a man whose face is never seen. The FBI once seized the film to try to prove the man was Jack Kennedy. It was intended as a training film for White House interns.

Florida police arrested a man for trying to sell fake crack cocaine to elderly residents at a nursing home in Jacksonville. The joke was on the crack dealer. The seniors paid for it with their health insurance so he only got ten cents on the dollar.

Barack Obama was called elitist on Sunday for saying small-town Americans turn to guns and religion when they get bitter. He should admit to being elitist. After eight years of a regular guy in the White House, a guy who is better than everybody might be a nice change of pace.

Hillary Clinton spent the weekend in an Indiana bar drinking beer and shots of whiskey and telling everybody how her father taught her how to shoot. She refused to say when she last fired a gun. The Secret Service kept wrestling it out of her hand.

Barack Obama ridiculed Hillary Clinton as Annie Oakley for her claim that her father taught her to shoot. No one should pretend that he doesn't have lots of experience with guns himself. He was a community organizer on the south side of Chicago.

Hillary Clinton barnstormed through Indiana Saturday depicting Barack Obama as elitist. She's wealthy, has an Ivy League degree, is Anglo-Norman and Methodist. No one will accuse her of being elitist while Roseanne Barr is her outreach coordinator.

Barack Obama's pastor Jeremiah Wright surfaced Monday and refused to apologize for past anti-American sermons. The church drew huge crowds to hear the pastor's edgy racial rhetoric. How many ministers can say they were ordained by Richard Pryor?

Kentucky GOP Congressman Geoff Davis called Barack Obama a boy in his remarks at a Lincoln Day dinner over the weekend. He said that boy's finger should not be on the button. And now he's in big trouble all over Kentucky for honoring Abe Lincoln.

Pacific Airlines on Monday announced a massive six-year expansion program to make the airline a major carrier. They look out for their customers. All their posted emergency instructions are in Spanish so the Californians can get off the plane first.

Mitt Romney pledged Thursday to raise fifteen million dollars for John McCain's campaign. Perhaps he thinks it will help him get the VP nod. Perhaps he doesn't see the raids on Texas polygamy ranches giving him a perception problem down the road.

The New York Yankees hired workers to excavate a Red Sox jersey from the new Yankee Stadium's concrete foundation, where it was buried by a Boston fan who wanted to place a permanent hex on the Bronx Bombers. The Yankees wanted him prosecuted but officials said he hadn't committed any crime. Witchcraft is only against the law in Massachusetts.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio