Argus Hamilton's column for 4-15-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

Pfizer celebrates the tenth anniversary of the Viagra pill on Friday. It allows older men to have sex whenever they want. Hillary Clinton's campaign aides argued all day over whether to hail this as one of her husband's accomplishments as president.

Eminem was asked to sing at a concert in Nelson Mandela's honor when he comes to Washington D.C. this summer. Both men will go down in history. Nelson Mandela ended racial apartheid in South Africa and Eminem broke the color barrier in rap music.

Chinese citizens were infuriated when Paris protesters mauled a Chinese girl in a wheelchair who was carrying the Olympic torch. They want to boycott all things French. Until things cool off, the McDonald's in Beijing will be required to sell Prison Fries.

World War Two pilots held a reunion in Washington D.C. Saturday and were honored for bombing Nazi Germany. It's a small world. Pope Benedict was an anti-aircraft gunner in Germany so there's a chance they could bump into each other again this week.

Dick Cheney was photographed during a fishing trip last week and appeared to have a naked woman reflected in his sunglasses in the close-up. This guy draws a sick crowd. Suicidals go hunting with the vice president while nudists go fishing with him.

Senator John McCain finally agreed Monday to release his military and civilian medical records to the public and the press. It's not polite to ask if his actual age is listed. John McCain is so old that running for president is on his Bucket List.

Massachusetts legislators considered a dollar per pack tax increase on cigarettes on Friday to pay for the universal health care program. It's brutal. If they penalize smokers any more, tobacco is going to have a sentencing disparity with powdered cocaine.

Hillary Clinton clamped down on Bill Clinton's behavior Friday and ordered him to tone down his campaign rhetoric onstage. It was historic. She publicly told her husband to keep it zipped, and for the first time in thirty years she meant his mouth.

Barack Obama caused a firestorm by saying people in America instinctively turn to guns and religion whenever they are bitter. Who briefed this guy? Americans turn to guns and religion whenever they want to found the United States or defend it.

President Bush announced Saturday he will attend the Beijing Olympics despite street protests over China's crackdown on Tibet. He regards it as a sporting event. In China it's not really spring until you hear the sound of the bat hitting the head.

Arnold Schwarzenegger reversed himself Saturday and said he won't support a ban on same-sex marriage in California. He was doing the gay community a big favor by not letting them get married. This way they can only lose their houses to foreclosure.

President Bush threw a barbecue for five hundred top donors in Crawford Friday, but their names were kept secret. Every year he hosts them at a neighbor's place. Oil men are so unpopular that they have to meet like Klansmen on outlying ranches at night.

Randolph College in Virginia took a field trip to the Chicken Ranch brothel in Nevada on Friday. The students received lectures on how to use sex for marketing tie-ins and product branding. General Motors is so serious about turning the company around they are sending all their marketing people back for remedial training.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio