Argus Hamilton's column for 4-14-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

The Dalai Lama arrived in Seattle Thursday to begin a thirteen-day tour of the United States. He'll discuss the crisis in Tibet. It was originally scheduled to be a three-day tour of the United States, but his travel agent booked him on American.

The Olympic torch relay was in Buenos Aires Friday after angry street protests shut down three major world cities. It's a shame. The protests take the focus away from what the games are supposed to be all about, taking illegal drugs to win medals.

Prince William received his pilot's wings in the Royal Air Force on Friday. He has served in the army and air force and next is the navy. It's part of his training to be king, unlike in the Bush family where they spend fifteen minutes with Billy Graham.

Pope Benedict chose not to attend a White House dinner in his honor Wednesday night. Roman Catholic leaders nationwide made plans to be at the dinner hoping to see him, but he had other plans. He's going to Indiana to wash the feet of Barack Obama.

Pope Benedict is holding a mass at Yankee Stadium Saturday with fifty thousand Roman Catholics. It won't just be communion and a sermon. He'll also be baptizing infants with holy oil, but at one hundred and seven dollars a barrel, what oil isn't?

The New York Yankees learned Friday they were sabotaged by a construction worker who buried a Red Sox jersey in their new stadium's concrete base. It was a jinx. It has already brought bad luck to the mob witness who was wearing the Red Sox jersey.

President Bush was accused Friday of hoarding oil in the Strategic Petroleum Reserve. He is purchasing a hundred thousand barrels of oil a day while oil is at its highest price in history. His mother raised him not to show off and he has never let her down.

Cindy McCain told Access Hollywood Friday she was addicted to painkillers. The pretty blonde was a rodeo queen and heiress to a huge Phoenix beer distributorship. If John McCain cheated on her with a lobbyist, he missed his calling as a kamikaze pilot.

Bill Clinton was ripped Friday after House auditors revealed his taxpayer-paid office expenses. He has run up a four hundred thousand dollar phone bill since he left office. It never occurred to Congress to block all 900 numbers for ex-presidents.

Hillary Clinton vowed in Philadelphia Friday she will repeal the mandatory five-year prison sentence for crack cocaine users. What a clever ploy. She wants to trick Barack Obama's supporters into thinking that all will be forgiven when she wins.

Major League Baseball owners and players came to a labor agreement on steroids penalties Friday. It gives everyone who was named in the Mitchell Report amnesty. No team can afford to lose their shortstop just because he's in the country illegally.

The Labor Department said Friday thousands of illegal immigrants are returning to Mexico due to the construction slump. Not everyone's happy. With Mexicans going home and Charlton Heston gone it's practically impossible to get your ceiling painted.

Pfizer Pharmaceuticals marked the tenth anniversary of the federal approval of the Viagra pill on Tuesday. Nothing ever had less trouble getting congressional approval. The difference between the House vote on going to war with Japan and the vote for Viagra's approval is that there was one vote against going to war with Japan.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio