Argus Hamilton's column for 4-11-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

San Francisco hosted the Olympic torch relay Wednesday amid protests against China's troops beating Tibetans with sticks. Congress is concerned. We should have asked about China's collections department before we borrowed ten trillion dollars from them.

The Weather Channel showed spectacular hailstorms and lightning strikes across the South and up in Wyoming. The severe weather only struck the gun rights states. However, Charlton Heston is working night and day with Ben Hogan to correct his slice.

American Airlines canceled a thousand flights Wednesday to inspect the wiring on its jets. It's obvious why. Ever since airlines stopped serving food in economy class, passengers have been gnawing through the floorboards on cross-country flights.

Doris Day the Untold Story reveals the affair Doris Day had with Mickey Mantle in 1962. He was a star and she was a star and they met regularly at a New York hotel, and no one noticed. The Cuban Missile Crisis had everybody looking up that fall.

Rob Lowe sued two former nannies in Beverly Hills Tuesday for spreading gossip that he tried to bed them. They signed confidentiality agreements. The sex scandal is the first sign that NBC's West Wing will be back this fall with Rob Lowe as president.

Hugo Chavez canceled The Simpsons on Venezuelan television Tuesday. He deemed it inappropriate for kids and replaced it with Baywatch. What leader doesn't think that big-busted women in bikinis are better for children than anti-government satire?

President Bush refused Wednesday to cancel his plans to attend the Olympics opening ceremonies in Beijing. China's government spies on its citizens, jails enemies without trials and disregards its legislature. They're as big a supporter of freedom as he is.

Rush Limbaugh quoted a New Republic article Wednesday digging up Barack Obama's pastor Jeremiah Wright's past. He was a Muslim and Black Nationalist. At this point only a DNA test will convince anyone that Barack Obama's real mother isn't Patty Hearst.

Hillary Clinton said reasonable people differ over the merits of the Colombia free-trade deal, admitting she's against it and her husband is for it. Bill takes the money for supporting the trade deal while Hillary takes the votes for opposing the trade deal. Chelsea taught them how to do that when she worked for the hedge fund.

John McCain said Wednesday if elected president he won't rule out a pre-emptive war if he feels it is necessary. He must know the limits. Americans will support pre-emptive war only if it's for oil, not to get even with some interrogator in Hanoi.

Senator Jay Rockefeller apologized for saying John McCain didn't care where his bombs fell on Vietnam. Imagine Rockefeller's surprise at all the demands for an apology. People who own Exxon aren't used to anybody telling them that they're wrong.

New York's Mercantile Exchange saw oil prices continue to climb Wednesday. The dwindling value of our currency helps run up the cost per barrel. There was a time when Americans thought that nothing was as valuable as the U.S. dollar, and today it is.

Eliot Spitzer was swarmed by photographers Tuesday when he arrived at New York University Medical Center. No one knows why. His friends have been concerned about his health ever since they found out he coughed up four thousand dollars for a hooker.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio