Argus Hamilton's column for 4-10-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

Charlton Heston was remembered Saturday as a charismatic movie actor who could fill a Cinerama-sized screen with his presence. That man was a real star. Now that Charlton Heston is in heaven, Moses can't get a table in any of the best restaurants.

Tiger Woods tees off in the Masters in Augusta today, two days after the entire South was pelted by golf ball-sized hail. None of the golfers got their golf balls mixed up with the hailstones. On God's golf balls, Titleist is spelled right to left.

General David Petraeus gave his Iraq recommendations to the Senate Tuesday. He looked tense. President Bush always says he'll take the advice of his commanders right after he fires all the commanders who don't give him the advice he wants to take.

The White House proposed a free trade deal with Colombia on Tuesday. They grow sugar and cocaine and coffee. It's only right to grant trade preference to the country that taught Baby Boomers that breakfast is the most important meal of the day.

Louisiana Senator David Vitter was ordered to testify Monday in the Washington D.C. madam trial. Louisianans are by nature tolerant of lust, gambling and alcohol. Thomas Jefferson bought the place just so he could have a weekend getaway from the Puritans.

President Bush met with LSU's national championship football team at the White House Tuesday. He praised the team for taking a lot of fourth-down risks. How many hints does Iran need to figure out that President Bush is going long on the next play?

The Weather Channel aired spectacular video of spring hailstorms and lightning strikes in the Southwest on Tuesday. They reported that Tulsa had ten thousand strikes in just one hour. It reminded Barack Obama never to try to bowl against Tulsa.

Hillary Clinton hit one bowling pin on the Ellen DeGeneres show Tuesday to prove she can bowl better than Barack, after he'd bowled a gutter ball. Pennsylvania Democrats aren't amused. To the working class, being a terrible bowler is the first sign of a monarchist.

Bill Clinton released all his post-presidential tax returns last Friday. They show he made a hundred and ten million in the last seven years. Now every time he complains about President Bush's failed economic policies, it sounds greedy beyond comprehension.

Alan Greenspan told CNBC reporters Tuesday the U.S. economy is in recession. Yet he's doing quite well himself. Alan Greenspan retired last year as the Chairman of the Federal Reserve, and with that generally comes a lucrative modeling career.

Congress learned Tuesday that government workers charged tailor-made suits, Internet dating, lingerie and dinners to their government credit cards. The timing is no accident. It's a clever ploy to take everyone's mind off the money we're wasting in Iraq.

John McCain got Sunnis mixed up with Shiites while describing insurgents in Southern Iraq during Senate hearings Tuesday. Recently in Israel he confused al-Qaeda fighters with Iranian-backed militants in Iraq. Last week John McCain had to be physically restrained from marking the anniversary of the assassination of Lex Luthor.

Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said Tuesday his nation is making great progress on its nuclear program. He said scientists are installing thousands of new centrifuges to enrich uranium. In Los Angeles, this is known as suicide by cop.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio