Argus Hamilton's column for 3-9-08

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

Green Bay Packers legend Brett Favre broke down crying at his press conference Thursday while announcing his retirement. He was overcome with emotion. Football players might have had to give up Human Growth Hormone but there's no ban on estrogen.

Beverly Hills private eye Tony Pellicano went on trial Wednesday for illegally wiretapping stars. He used telecom workers and cops to eavesdrop on targets of his investigations. With any luck President Bush will force Congress to give him immunity.

Journal Science said Wednesday the Grand Canyon is seventeen million years old, not six million. It's hard to say. The canyon's fake ID from California says it's six million years old but its driver's license from Mexico says it's seventeen million.

The Weather Channel reported a freak blizzard that hit Dallas Thursday. There was snow all over the landscape. It was a visual reminder that Colombia's been a strong U.S. trading partner since the Disco Era and deserves our support in its hour of danger.

President Bush denounced Venezuela Thursday for threatening Colombia but that's all he can do. The U.S. has no available troops to send to the region and Venezuela has devised a sophisticated defense against our drone aircraft. They are called trees.

Moscow topped New York with the most number of billionaires in the Forbes magazine list. Moscow beat New York seventy-four billionaires to seventy-one billionaires. Everyone's best guess is that Isiah Thomas was coaching the the New York billionaires.

Barack Obama demanded Hillary release her tax returns Thursday. It's the right time for him to drop his savior act and act like a politician. The only way to get Pennsylvanians to shout out the name of Jesus Christ is to bring up the Eagles' season.

Hillary Clinton's campaign reacted Thursday to Barack Obama's questions about her tax returns by calling him another Kenneth Starr. We would be spared the sordid details this time. Monica Lewinsky just graduated from the London School of Economics and there's no way she's going to fall for that offer-of-immunity trick a second time.

U.S. Congressman Anthony Weiner said Wednesday that Roger Clemens should get a pass for lying to Congress in House testimony because it's not that serious an offense. The ballplayer was merely showing good manners. The general feeling is, when in Rome.

President Bush spoke at the Homeland Security Department on Thursday to mark its fifth anniversary. They've singlehandedly destroyed international tourism. It's now harder to get into the United States than it used to be to get out of the Soviet Union.

Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton took their presidential campaigns to Wyoming over the weekend. It was a nice break for them. Wyoming is a friendly state, and if you're lucky and you don't get caught in the middle of a gunfight, it's almost paradise.

Bill Clinton gave photographers a thumbs up as he went for a walk with Hillary in Rock Creek Park in Washington D.C. Thursday. He's being kept under wraps. Later he issued a statement apologizing for any pain that may have been caused by his thumb.

The Agriculture Department Thursday reconsidered plans to put video cameras in cattle slaughterhouses. It was a nice try. Animal rights activists were alerted to the plan after they heard that the CBS fall schedule included a show called Survivor Omaha.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio