Argus Hamilton's column for 3-5-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez on Sunday threatened to take Venezuela to war with Colombia. It's alarming. If Hugo Chavez is able to get control of both the oil and the cocaine in the Western Hemisphere he can take California away from Mexico.

American Idol judge Simon Cowell Monday turned down a two million dollar offer to be Viagra's spokesman in Britain. Last year England began selling the drug over the counter. Since then the sales are off but the counters have gone through the roof.

The Pittsburgh Pirates set aside all-you can-eat sections in the ball park for all games this season. It's where fans can eat for free for forty dollars a ticket. Structural engineers think it's cheaper to let the stadium collapse than to implode it.

President Bush said Monday that telecom companies should be thanked for serving their country, not sued for wiretapping Americans. He's right. We finally live in a country where you can talk to the president without waiting to have your call returned.

Barack Obama was forced to explain Monday how he bought his home through indicted Chicago businessman and fundraiser Tony Rezko. It goes with the territory. When Hillary Clinton played church softball growing up in Chicago, she led the league in crooked real estate deals.

Hillary Clinton said Monday this is a wartime election and that in her opinion, Democrats don't talk about that enough. War is a serious business. She's doubled her number of appearances on NBC's Saturday Night Live just to stress the urgency of it.

Barack Obama told an Ohio rally Sunday that he prays to Jesus nightly. So much for candidates distancing themselves from President Bush. Not only did Hillary vote for Bush's war but Obama consults regularly with Bush's favorite political philosopher.

Barack Obama's economic advisor secretly met with Canadian officials last week to assure them he won't change NAFTA as he promised in Ohio. It's no big deal. He was just doing what all politicians do, but his followers nearly choked on their Kool-Aid.

John McCain told a Phoenix crowd Sunday he's the presidential candidate who is best experienced to answer the White House phone at three o'clock in the morning. He knows the dangers out there. If he jumps up too quickly to get the phone he could jab a lobbyist in the throat with his elbow and start a chain reaction across the bed.

Gloria Steinem belittled John McCain's prisoner ordeal Sunday. She said a woman POW would have been grilled about her sex life during captivity. You're not legally required to be interviewed by Barbara Walters but it's the only way to win the election.

Senator Larry Craig took out an ad last week to hire an intern for his few remaining months in office. The ad said it's a great opportunity to learn, but after a week no one had answered it. This put a real dent in Out magazine's classified ad success rate.

Israeli jets rescued an Egyptian helicopter from Palestinian gunfire when it strayed over Gaza Monday. Egypt says it was an oil company helicopter but Israel says it was a military helicopter. Is there anyone who can tell them apart in this day and age?

Occidental Petroleum fought the Bureau of Land Management Monday to drill in central California. A possibly huge oil field is a protected habitat for the kangaroo rat. As soon as gas reaches four dollars a gallon the kangaroo rat will be a fuel additive.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio