Argus Hamilton's column for 3-31-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

Kentucky Fried Chicken was robbed by a gunman Monday who was caught by a middle-aged lady. She wrestled him down while dodging bullets and held him until cops arrived. Hillary Clinton called her up and offered her a hundred bucks for the trick.

Barack Obama released his income tax returns Tuesday, showing he donated less than one percent to his church. This explains his pastor Jeremiah Wright's sermons. When he couldn't get enough money out of his congregation he had to market to al-Qaeda.

John McCain ran his first campaign ad Friday, showing black-and-white photos of him in uniform. Everyone's bracing for a huge fight at the convention. More and more Republicans feel it's a mistake to nominate the last surviving veteran of World War One.

Hillary Clinton admitted she misspoke about dodging sniper fire in Bosnia twelve years ago as first lady. It simply didn't happen. Bill Clinton's been on the phone to everybody he knows in Bosnia trying to track down that sniper and get his money back.

Barack Obama on The View Friday hedged about his pastor Jeremiah Wright, saying he never heard any racially inflammatory sermons. It's obvious Barack heard some of the sermons. Calling your grandmother a typical white woman had to come from somewhere.

President Bush discussed Iraq with Australia's prime minister Friday. He told reporters that Iraq's blown-up oil pipeline is a necessary part of the development of a free society. Sam Adams blew up Episcopal churches and we named a beer after him.

Winona Ryder was caught shoplifting again last week in a Hollywood drugstore. She was caught outside with make-up items she didn't buy. She got fifteen endorsement offers the next day when people found out she looked that good with drugstore brands.

Rudy Giuliani hinted Friday that he may run for governor of New York after his failed presidential bid. You can't beat the perks. Sure you have to live upstate in Albany, but the governor's mansion has prostitutes coming out of the hot water tap.

Eliot Spitzer was linked by receipts Friday to a new call girl ring called the Wicked Models. His therapy isn't that strict. As part of his recovery, Eliot and his wife Silda have been spending their spare time playing Twister with the McGreeveys.

The U.S. Senate will vote today on whether to rename Ellis Island's library the Bob Hope Library. Before he died he donated all his radio and television monologues to the Smithsonian. Over the years only the voters have sent more jokes to Washington.

North Korea's dictator Kim Jong Il fired a series of short-range missiles that landed in the sea on Friday. He boasted he has intercontinental missiles that can reach Los Angeles. What he didn't say is that he's got to fire them from Santa Monica.

Cuban president Raul Castro announced Friday he would allow all Cubans to have cell phones now. He'll be sorry. No Cuban dictator is going to like it when his annual Revolution Day speech is interrupted twice a minute by the Florida fight song.

Al Gore was suggested Friday as a compromise candidate for the Democratic Party presidential nomination. As inventor of the Internet, he's responsible for online prostitution, online porno, online gambling and male enhancement pills delivered to your door. There's not an American alive whose life he hasn't touched in some tragic way.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio