Argus Hamilton's column for 3-30-08

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

Carla Sarkozy's completely nude photograph from her modeling days ran Wednesday in the tabloids during the French first lady's visit to Britain. This story may not be over. Genealogists just revealed that Hillary Clinton is French on her mother's side.

Las Vegas led the nation in falling home prices Wednesday with an average loss of twenty percent in dollar value in January alone. It's not that big a problem. When you lose that much money in Las Vegas, the hotel will normally put you up for free.

New York Governor Dave Paterson admitted Tuesday he did pot and cocaine in the late Seventies. Last week he admitted to numerous lovers. When John Belushi wound up being a U.S. Senator in Animal House, it inspired an entire generation to public service.

The New York Yankees began tours Monday of New Yankee Stadium, which will offer box seats next year at twenty-five hundred dollars a game. It's a special luxury section. Each seat is cushioned and has teak arms, and the cupholder is an Englishman named Brewster.

Jose Canseco's new book, Vindicated, claims Alex Rodriguez tried to bed his wife and that Jose introduced A-Rod to a steroids dealer. The Yankees slugger has no reason to worry. The last thing Congress is going to do is hold hearings on adultery in baseball.

Hillary Clinton was savaged by cable news hosts Wednesday for misremembering her Bosnia airport reception. She was flogged in the Situation Room, beaten on Hardball, and flayed on Countdown. The Clintons never thought they would find themselves watching Fox News for a breather.

Senator Barack Obama and his wife Michelle returned to the campaign trail Wednesday after a Caribbean weekend vacation. They flew to the Virgin Islands for a couple of days. The couple aren't independently wealthy, so they couldn't afford to drive anywhere.

Barack Obama denied ever hearing his Chicago pastor denounce America Wednesday when he spoke to a North Carolina crowd. They came to hear his standard campaign speech. There is never a dry eye in the house when Bambi's mother dies at the end.

President Bush was told by the Pentagon Wednesday that U.S. troops need to be rotated home because of stress on the troops and their families. Why bother? With Hillary ducking sniper fire and Obama standing by his bomb-throwing pastor, the troops may be safer in Iraq.

President Bush confronted Chinese leader Hu Jintao about the crackdown in Tibet in a telephone call Wednesday. The White House said later President Bush spoke very clearly. The Chinese probably think it was a crank call from a Saturday Night Live impersonator.

Clint Eastwood was fired from the California Parks Commission Wednesday by Governor Schwarzenegger. Clint thinks it's because he opposed a six-lane road through a state beach. Actually it's because Arnold must terminate one actor a year or he loses the trademark.

Los Angeles airport suffered delays Tuesday when a Qantas flight had four flat tires as it tried to take off. The LAPD surrounded the plane. They had been chasing it all the way from South Central and they were finally able to get a spike strip in front of it.

The British Antarctic Survey said Tuesday a chunk of ice six times the size of Manhattan just broke off the ice shelf. It seems to defy the laws of nature. Scientists are unable to explain how the ice shelf is breaking up, yet the Spitzers remain together.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio