Argus Hamilton's column for 3-3-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

John McCain accidentally referred to himself as a liberal Friday, then laughed and said he didn't mean it. There's a reason Americans will vote for a president who has his finger on the button but doesn't know what he's saying. That reason is continuity.

Roger Clemens was investigated by the FBI Friday for perjury before Congress. Most people think he'll get a presidential pardon. The reason President Bush commuted Scooter's sentence last year was because Dick Cheney told him it was for Phil Rizzuto.

Prince Harry was shown on TV scattering Taliban fighters with his machine gun in Afghanistan. His commanders raved about his courage under fire. The prince trained for the war in Afghanistan by standing between his mother and father when he was four.

John McCain was reported Thursday to have been born outside the U.S. in the Panama Canal Zone. Today the canal zone is controlled by China. Not only is he possibly ineligible to run for U.S. president, but he's in violation of China's one-child policy.

Hillary Clinton asks in a new ad whom you want as president if the White House phone rings at three in the morning. Only she knows how to handle that call. Nine times out of ten it's just Bill saying don't believe what it says in the morning paper.

Michelle Obama accused Republicans Thursday of fear-mongering by repeating her husband's middle name, Hussein. It's all an accident. At the time his parents named him Hussein they didn't think that would be the reason he would never become president.

Barack Obama picked up the presidential endorsement of Senator Jay Rockefeller on Friday. He's the chairman of the Senate Intelligence Committee and the great-grandson of the founder of Exxon Mobil Oil Company. Sometimes Ralph Nader has a point.

Ralph Nader announced his presidential candidacy on NBC's Meet the Press last Sunday and then named a follower his running mate. There's no truth to the rumor he will hold his nominating convention in a garage. No comedian can stand a half-filled room.

Wall Street plunged Friday on bad news about the mortgage crisis, inflation, gas prices, joblessness and credit card debt. It's all falling into place. The president's new plan to defeat the terrorists is to lure them into following us home.

President Bush told reporters Thursday he sees no sign of recession just a day before the stock market crashed. He also had no idea gas prices are nearing four dollars per gallon. He makes underwear models for Calvin Klein look like news junkies.

Victoria's Secret executives announced Thursday the lingerie chain will totally retool its marketing image and begin selling less sexy underwear. Sales have been plummeting recently. Britney Spears killed underwear the way Jack Kennedy killed hats.

CBS signed a deal to air Mixed Martial Arts bouts in April. The sport's bloody and barefisted and allows judo, karate, wrestling, boxing and kickboxing. Of all the ideas CBS has had to boost Katie Couric's ratings, this is the one that might work.

Chicago Cubs owner Sam Zell infuriated Chicagoans Thursday by announcing he will sell the naming rights to Wrigley Field. Is nothing sacred? Next thing you know the pope will be giving his Easter sermon from a balcony overlooking Hooters' Square.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio