Argus Hamilton's column for 3-28-08

OKLAHOMA CITY--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

The New England Genealogical Society revealed that Barack Obama is a distant cousin of Brad Pitt, and Hillary is related to Angelina Jolie. It's another argument for a joint ticket. From now on if we want a country's oil we can preemptively adopt them.

Fred Thompson signed with the William Morris talent agency Monday to resume his acting career. Good luck to him. Osama bin Laden signed with William Morris the day after September 11th and except for a few non-union videos, no one has seen him since.

The Pentagon admitted Tuesday it sent nuclear missile fuses to Taiwan thinking they were helicopter batteries. How scary. If the U.S. government can't tell the difference between a nuclear fuse and a battery, thank goodness the Prius is built by a Japanese company.

The Boston Red Sox met the Oakland A's in baseball's season opener at the Tokyo Dome in Japan Tuesday. Whenever someone hit a home run, the stadium crew played an air raid siren. Their thinking was, if we don't hold a grudge, they won't hold a grudge.

Barack Obama trailed Hillary Clinton in polls on Tuesday as the race tightened up. Rush Limbaugh is begging Republicans to help Hillary get elected. He's just discovered that when you tell a Barack Obama joke to a banquet crowd they just stare at you.

Barack Obama celebrated Easter Sunday with his family in a hotel in the Virgin Islands. He said he wanted to spend more time with his wife and kids. Hillary Clinton was happy to hear it because she thought it meant he was retiring in disgrace.

Hillary Clinton said Barack's pastor Jeremiah Wright would never be her pastor due to his anti-American sermons. She's a Methodist. During the American Revolution John Wesley ordered every Methodist in America to fight for King George III, but since it's not on videotape she can still get away with saying she's a loyal American.

John McCain took his campaign to Southern California Tuesday. The weather was especially bright and sunny but no one asked if his melanoma caused him concern. Asking John McCain about melanoma is considered playing the race card by Republicans.

Nancy Reagan endorsed John McCain Tuesday while he was visiting in her Bel-Air neighborhood. It has narrow roads flanked by thick tropical shrubbery and palm trees. He had a Vietnam flashback between the time he rang her bell and the time she answered.

Chelsea Clinton was asked a question about the Monica Lewinsky scandal Tuesday by a college student in Indiana. She snapped it was none of his business. Chelsea still thinks the whole thing was a dispute between a glass blower and the dry cleaner.

President Bush granted fifteen presidential pardons to white-collar criminals and convicted drug offenders Tuesday at the White House. Not everyone appreciated the gesture. The Bear Stearns executives complained they haven't even been indicted yet.

Buddhists in New York tried to stage a march for Tibet Monday but were blocked by negligee-clad participants in International Pillow Fight Day. It had to happen. New York civil servants are way too busy committing adultery to process parade permits.

Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick was indicted over a mistress scandal Tuesday a week after New York's Governor Eliot Spitzer resigned over a hooker. It's inspiring. The Jewish former governor of New York and the black mayor of Detroit are forging a common cause that has not been seen since the civil rights marches of the Sixties.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio