Argus Hamilton's column for 3-27-08

OKLAHOMA CITY--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

President Bush personally hosted the White House Easter Egg Roll on Monday. It didn't go well. He tried to tell the children the Easter Bunny is real, but after they heard him say the Iraq war was a success, he couldn't convince them it was Monday.

The Olympic torch lighting ceremony in Greece Monday was interrupted by human rights protesters, including a Tibetan woman who covered herself in fake blood. It didn't work. Fake blood is to the Chinese government like cheap wine is to the French.

Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick was charged with perjury Monday for lying about a mistress on the payroll. It's the fourth sex scandal in a week by a politician. Maybe the reason Bill Clinton's poll numbers are dropping is that we don't need him any more.

Poker TV Network CEO Mike Grasso listed his Las Vegas home for sale Monday. It comes with a live-in supermodel, his Mercedes, and his cellphone with the numbers of six strippers in it. After an impressive spring he's been called up to play in Los Angeles.

The New York Yankees offered to buy Yankee Stadium from the city Monday before it's imploded in November. They want to sell off everything from the old days at a surplus auction. The White House just banned Iran from buying Billy Martin's liver.

President Bush told State Department employees Monday that he's proud of their efforts to establish democracy in Iraq. It's a great system. Democracy allows you to vote for your favorite government servant and then sit on the jury that tries him.

Arnold Palmer was asked to replace George Lopez as host of the Bob Hope Desert Classic. The comedian went on a Mexican nationalist rant in his latest cable show. Not only did he lose the Bob Hope, he had to step down as Barack Obama's comedy advisor.

Barack Obama vacations in the Virgin Islands this week but local officials and campaign aides are sworn to secrecy about where he's staying. Mum's the word. If anyone finds out he's with his wife he could be finished in Democratic party politics.

Barack Obama's new pastor, Otis Moss, called the attention on Reverend Jeremiah Wright's sermons a public lynching. Wright has a defense for his anti-American rants, shown worldwide over the Internet. He was just trying to lead Muslims to Christ.

Hillary Clinton's campaign admitted Monday she misspoke when she said she was under enemy fire at a Bosnian airport twelve years ago. She just misremembered it. She was under enemy fire when her plane left Washington but not when it arrived in Bosnia.

Hillary Clinton gave a speech at the University of Pennsylvania to lay out her solution for the foreclosure crisis. Her concern is genuine. If Hillary mortgaged her homes to pay for her campaign, she may be in line for a bailout within thirty days.

Kentucky Fried Chicken began offering grilled chicken instead of fried chicken Monday. You knew it was coming. After the Yankees banned the singing of Dixie and obliterated New Orleans, many had the feeling that fried chicken was next on their list.

The Himalayan kingdom of Bhutan ended a century of absolute monarchy Monday by electing a prime minister. Bhutan is gradually evolving from an absolute monarchy to a government that answers to the people. We're like two ships passing in the night.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio