Argus Hamilton's column for 3-26-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

The Hollywood Bowl hosted a record crowd for its annual Easter sunrise service Sunday. It offered hope during these troubling times. A recent poll shows sixty percent of Americans believe in miracles, the rest are able to move in with relatives.

The Vatican marked the resurrection of Jesus on Easter Sunday. He told people to help the poor, heal the sick and turn your cheek if attacked. If Jesus had been videotaped preaching this stuff only Joe Lieberman would have a chance of being elected president.

Senator Barack Obama decided not to spend Easter at his Chicago church where his infamous pastor Jeremiah Wright gave anti-American sermons. He decided to go somewhere less politically dangerous. He took his wife to a Klan meeting on Stone Mountain.

China held fast Sunday to its plans for the Olympic torch to be carried through Tibet. The torch runners must be terrified. If Chinese soldiers mistake them for the Statue of Liberty they may have Gatorade coming out of five holes in their bodies.

The PGA will begin testing golfers for performance-enhancing drugs in April to show the public the sport is honest. Players are happy to comply. John Daly has willed his entire body to science and he's preserving it in alcohol until they need it.

Congressman Barney Frank said Friday he will introduce a bill to decriminalize possession of small amounts of marijuana. The Bush administration is opposed to it. We are a nation at war and if this bill passes we will be a nation at Krispy Kreme.

The FDA banned Honduran cantaloupes Friday after bad melons made people sick. It caused a panic. When people in Los Angeles heard that the melons were contaminated, they got hold of their plastic surgeons and demanded that the saline ones be put back.

The Gallup Poll said Thursday the economy is the number-one issue with voters. Gas is four dollars a gallon, hotel rooms are two hundred a night and hookers four thousand an hour. A lot of guys are refusing to get married because they can't afford the adultery.

The New York Post reported Sunday the FBI was tipped off to Eliot Spitzer's call girl habit by well-known GOP operative Roger Stone. His GOP career hit the skids twelve years ago when he was exposed as a wife swapper. The Republicans think they can carry Ohio by claiming that wife swapping is morally superior to whore mongering.

The Space Shuttle Endeavour crew relaxed Sunday after two weeks of construction work on the International Space Station. The astronauts installed a giant robot with a Japanese storage compartment. What's a space station without a Godzilla playset?

New Orleans officials expressed alarm on Sunday about rising Mississippi River water heading south from Missouri. It's all part of nature's plan. Kansas science teachers won't like this, but in just two more floodings, Louisianans will have gills.

Dick Cheney continued his Middle East trip over the weekend with stops in the West Bank and in Israel for talks. He said he wants the longtime enemies to come together. Dick Cheney's betting his career that a war with Iran will unify the region.

John McCain stated Sunday his involvement in the Keating Five savings and loan scandal sixteen years ago was a formative experience for him like his experience as a POW in North Vietnam. The two aren't alike at all. In the Keating Five scandal he was robbing little old ladies, while in North Vietnam he was bombing little old ladies.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio