Argus Hamilton's column for 3-25-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

The White House said Thursday China's crackdown on protests won't affect President Bush's plans to go to the Olympics. He hasn't been briefed yet. They asked him how he felt about Tibet, and he said his money was on Kansas, UCLA, North Carolina and Duke.

The Gallup Poll out Friday said the economy is the most important issue in the election. Three-fourths of the voters believe we're in a recession. America's national pastime used to be baseball, and now it is eating, staying warm and driving.

The New York Yankees announced Friday that box seats in the new Yankee Stadium next year will sell for twenty-five hundred dollars per game. It's well worth it. Half the fun is ordering your beer from the former Bear Stearns executive in the paper cap.

Condi Rice apologized to Senator Barack Obama Thursday over a State Department worker who snooped into the candidate's passport file. His passport file must be six inches thick. When your middle name's Hussein, flying generates a lot of paperwork.

San Francisco officials announced Friday the Olympic torch won't be run through Chinatown. They're protesting China's brutality against Tibet. China has been pretty mean but they never made anyone run up a sixty-degree hill carrying a ten pound torch.

The White House ignored calls Friday to endorse Tibet's protests against Chinese rule. If the U.S. government backs the separatism movement by Tibet it may face the same situation in California someday. Everyone agrees, the sooner the better.

China said it might ban live telecasts from Tiananmen Square during the Olympics to avoid the angry protests of nineteen years ago. Things are much different today. President Bush stood before a grade-school class Tuesday and correctly spelled potato.

John McCain snapped Friday when questioned about singing Bomb Iran onstage to the tune of the Beach Boys' hit, Barbara Ann. It's a sign of the times. More and more beginning comedians are getting away with singing song parodies now that tomatoes are four dollars apiece.

John McCain suspended an aide Friday who edited a video of Barack Obama standing by his pastor Jeremiah Wright, followed by the pastor's anti-American rant. It was completely unauthorized. You don't leak the playbook six months before the Super Bowl.

Barack Obama fell far behind Hillary Clinton in Pennsylvania and West Virginia polls. He simply refused to disown his anti-American pastor, Jeremiah Wright. After all, the man conducted his wedding, baptized his children, and blew up the U.S. Embassy in Karachi.

James Carville compared Bill Richardson to Judas Iscariot for endorsing Barack Obama instead of Hillary. Governor Richardson made the decision to endorse on his way home from his Caribbean vacation. He asked the pilot to tell him which way the wind was blowing.

Bill Clinton outraged liberals Friday when he said a race between Hillary and John McCain would showcase two loyal Americans. The former president is very big on loyalty. You cannot date Bill Clinton unless you sign the Official Secrets Act.

Retired Air Force General Merrill McPeak stood onstage with an anguished-looking Barack Obama Friday and said Bill Clinton reminded him of Joe McCarthy for leaving Obama off a list of loyal candidates. When Barack was in college at Occidental in Los Angeles he mastered the art of looking wounded. He picked up a lot of work as an extra on M*A*S*H.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio