Argus Hamilton's column for 3-24-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

Dick Cheney met with high-level officials in Saudi Arabia on Friday to discuss military plans in the Persian Gulf and oil production. He's very popular in Saudi Arabia. They would make him vice king if Eliot Spitzer didn't already have the title.

New York's former governor Eliot Spitzer began undergoing therapy for his sexual addiction on Friday. After his first session he was photographed walking with his dog into the woods. If he calls that tapering off he's seeing a pretty sick therapist.

Peter O'Toole did interviews in New York Friday to publicize Showtime's season opener of The Tudors. The legendary drinker and womanizer will play the pope. He's really tired of people saying all the characters he plays are an extension of himself.

Heather Mills McCartney announced after her divorce Friday she's been hired by Donald Trump to judge his Miss USA pageant in April. She's the perfect choice. Last year's winner had a cocaine problem and this year the pageant's theme is gold-digging.

Los Angeles prosecutors filed criminal charges against two ladies who took out life insurance polices on homeless men last year, then ran them over in their cars. You could not do that today. The insurance payout wouldn't cover the cost of the gasoline.

San Francisco filed criminal charges against a tanker captain who spilled tons of oil in the bay last month. It poisoned the fish. It's a shame it didn't happen in a lake or a river where there are enough pharmaceuticals in the water to cure anything.

Florida police are trying to deduce why a stingray jumped onto a fishing boat off the Florida Keys Thursday and killed a woman in the front seat. There's only one logical conclusion. The reviews are in on Bindi Irwin's new show and they're not good.

State Department workers were caught snooping into the presidential candidates' passport files on Thursday. It's no surprise. The popularity of Rottweilers and pit bulls has led every neighborhood Peeping Tom to seek safe work with the government.

New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson endorsed Barack Obama for president Friday before a crowd in Oregon. The governor said he decided to support Obama because he spoke to us as adults. Usually people who like adult entertainment go for the Clintons.

Barack Obama's pastor Jeremiah Wright's anti-American sermons were discovered on the church's promotional DVD. It gets even worse. Under the new Writers Guild agreement, Osama bin Laden is entitled to a payment for every DVD Jeremiah Wright sells.

Barack Obama stood by Jeremiah Wright as a family friend Tuesday. The minister introduced Barack to his wife twenty years ago when he first moved to Chicago. Barack Obama would be in less political trouble right now if he had married Jane Fonda.

Barack Obama said his grandmother was a typical white person whose distrust of black strangers on the street is inbred. It's not true. She was never afraid of black strangers on the street until she recorded a rap album without giving Suge Knight his cut.

White House spokesperson Dana Perino said President Bush and Dick Cheney don't care about poll numbers. She said they aren't trying to get people to like them. At last they can haul out that Mission Accomplished banner without fear of contradiction.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio