Argus Hamilton's column for 3-23-08

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Easter, and how's everybody?

Charlie Rose hosted his PBS show with black eyes Thursday after he tripped and fell in New York while carrying a new computer. He sacrificed his face to save his MacBook. The hospital logged it under accidents that will never happen in Los Angeles.

Missouri withstood major flooding Thursday, prompting President Bush to declare the state a disaster area. He gave them great comfort. Missourians heard his speech justifying the war in Iraq and they know they aren't the only ones in over their heads.

The Baseball Players Union vowed Friday to investigate why no team has offered Barry Bonds a contract this year. The teams want to see how his federal trial comes out. The next home run Barry Bonds hits could be shot by prison guards for trying to escape.

Playgirl magazine offered Eliot Spitzer a million dollars to pose nude Thursday following the spectacular end of his political career. He's not about to show his ding-a-ling for one million dollars. That doesn't begin to cover what it cost him.

New York Governor Dave Paterson was confronted by angry husbands Thursday over his adulterous affairs. They can't attack a man who's legally blind. He can always say these women had the same shape and feel as his wife and it was an honest mistake.

New Jersey's ex-Governor Jim McGreevey said he had sex threesomes with his wife and driver. It's the third governor sex scandal. We knew there were pharmaceuticals in the drinking water but we had no idea how much of it is concentrated in the Hudson.

Michigan lawmakers went on vacation Thursday without rescheduling a Democratic primary. The adjournment drew cheers. They had a choice of going down in history by settling the presidential race or going on vacation and the vote wasn't even close.

Hillary Clinton was endorsed in Nevada Friday by Moonlight Bunny Ranch brothel owner Dennis Hof. He's had a busy week. Whenever Dick Cheney goes to the Middle East, every B-52 pilot in Nevada heads to the Moonlight Bunny Ranch for one last fling.

Texas Christian University will honor Barack Obama's pastor Jeremiah Wright on Saturday. He has given anti-American sermons. If he prevents Barack Obama from being the next president, he faces a stiff fine from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission.

Barack Obama admitted in his speech Tuesday he could no more disavow Reverend Jeremiah Wright than he could his own grandmother. He said the minister led him to Christ, conducted his wedding and baptized his girls. When a man is that close to your family, you are not going to let a little stay in Guantanamo come between you.

Barack Obama called his grandmother a typical white person Thursday, saying she dodged black people on the street. He has also said she used racial slurs. We've come a long way since Bill Clinton felt sorry for himself for being in the high school band.

Church of Christ members reminded the media Tuesday that Barack Obama's pastor represents the far more liberal United Church of Christ. The Church of Christ is evangelical and conservative. They define marriage as a union between two Republicans.

John McCain met Prime Minister Gordon Brown at Ten Downing Street in London on Thursday. The prime minister is from Scotland and John McCain's ancestors are from Scotland. They could no more disavow Mel Gibson than they could their own grandmothers.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio