Argus Hamilton's column for 3-21-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

New York Governor David Paterson was blackmailed by a former mistress wielding audiotapes Tuesday, forcing him to admit many affairs. He replaced Eliot Spitzer the day before. The first requirement of a democratic society is continuity in government.

Barack Obama delivered an eloquent speech on race in America Tuesday. He tried to heal America's racial divide by talking about himself for thirty-five minutes. Hillary Clinton cannot believe she is running against a photo-negative of her husband.

The NCAA basketball tournament began Thursday with millions of fans drawing up their brackets and betting on them. Not everyone's on the same page. Dick Cheney went to the Middle East Monday thinking who gets eliminated is pretty much up to him.

President Bush marked the fifth anniversary of the Iraq war Wednesday. He said it was the right thing to do although it destroyed lives, cost billions and there's no end in sight. Paul McCartney showed better judgment going into his second marriage.

President Bush said it was worth the war to overthrow Saddam Hussein. The CIA installed Saddam thirty years ago but it took the U.S. Army to get him out of his palace. Today he's an inspiration to every American still squatting in his ranch house.

Heather Mills offered Tuesday to tell talk shows about her marriage to Paul McCartney and her future career plans. She could be a counselor. She was last seen on a Sacramento River bank encouraging the gold diggers to put their shoulders into it.

Las Vegas bus tours began showing homes and hangouts of the mobsters who built the strip fifty years ago. It was a risky venture. The hotels lost a lot of money at blackjack because in those days the Los Angeles schools taught people how to count.

Warren Buffett will play himself on All My Children in May. He visits Erica in prison and tells her how to get out of an insider trading conviction. They write these scripts so far ahead of time that people were making money in the stock market.

The Dow Jones average soared four hundred twenty points Tuesday as the Federal Reserve moved to cheapen the dollar further by lowering interest rates. It didn't help gas prices. The Arabs are not impressed with America's new paper-for-oil program.

Dick Cheney said in Oman Wednesday that Iran may have re-started its nuclear program, which the CIA said they halted five years ago. He has no proof other than a gambler's hunch. Dick Cheney believes that war is like love, it'll always find a way.

President Bush hit his lowest approval rating Wednesday in the Gallup Poll. It was no surprise. Seeing how well the War on Poverty, the War on Drugs and War on Terror turned out, the next time we declare war on a noun, the noun will be Incumbent.

John McCain was corrected on camera by Joe Lieberman in Israel Tuesday when he claimed Iran was training al-Qaeda fighters. Lieberman whispered they were insurgents, that al-Qaeda is not allowed in Iran. Whichever party wins the election, President Bush is starting to tell friends he will end up being the second-worst president in history.

Hillary Clinton told U.S. veterans Wednesday that a U.S. president mustn't commit troops without being prepared to go all the way. Many people don't know that she was a Republican before she went to college. Thirty-seven years ago the U.S. Marines turned down Hillary's application to enlist because we weren't that mad at the Viet Cong.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio