Argus Hamilton's column for 3-20-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

New York's new Governor David Paterson stood with his wife at a press conference Tuesday and admitted having many adulterous affairs over the years. Reporters could draw only one conclusion. Perhaps those little blue pills really do cause vision loss.

Sir Paul McCartney finally reached an agreement Monday to pay Heather Mills McCartney fifty million dollars plus seventy-five thousand dollars a year for child support to settle their divorce. They also agreed to split the house. He gets the outside.

Barack Obama gave a speech about race on Tuesday in Philadelphia. He said black people are angry and white people are resentful and they're staring across a chasm of misunderstanding. Until we all learn Spanish that's the way it's going to be.

Barack Obama refused Tuesday to disown his pastor, Reverend Jeremiah Wright, who gives inflammatory anti-American sermons. He said the minister was the man who led him to Jesus Christ twenty years ago. Before that he was a white kid from Hawaii.

The National Archives said Monday Hillary Clinton's daily White House schedules are ready for viewing. We're all going to find out about her experiences as first lady. She's hoping the sympathy backlash will carry her all the way to the nomination.

Bill Clinton complained Monday it's a total myth that he has unfairly criticized Barack Obama. The press has turned on him. Six months ago he was our first black president and today he is blocking the entrance to Central High School in Little Rock.

The Wall Street Journal reported gold prices are so high that gold prospectors have returned to California rivers and creeks. They stand knee-deep and pan for gold. The Bear Stearns employees had no idea that alligator shoes were not waterproof.

Princess Diana's butler Paul Burrell was accused during the Princess Diana inquest of stealing the engagement ring off her finger after she died. No one can believe it. It only took Eliot Spitzer a week to move up to second-lowest man on this planet.

German Chancellor Angela Merkel on Tuesday made an unprecedented speech to the Israeli parliament. She pledged to stand by Israel's side. She even conducted an educational seminar entitled Learning from Our Mistakes: A Better Way to Roll Eastward.

The Federal Reserve cut interest rates again Tuesday to try to calm financial markets. Every time they do that the value of the dollar goes down. Next time they redesign the currency the hundred dollar bill will have Robert E. Lee's picture on it.

Southern Methodist University finally agreed to be the home of the George Bush presidential library. If you go there, plan to spend an entire week. After completing your first tour they force you back for a second and third and fourth tour.

President Bush spoke at the Pentagon Wednesday on the fifth anniversary of the war in Iraq and said he has no doubts about the wisdom of the invasion. Just play along with him. If misinformation got us into this war, maybe it will also get us out.

Dick Cheney held two days of secret talks with Iraqi leaders and emerged Tuesday with an agreement between the Sunnis and Shiites and Kurds to keep U.S. troops in Iraq past the Bush administration. Forget about how much it'll cost. After seven years we're now saying the word trillion as casually as we used to say the president's penis.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio