Argus Hamilton's column for 3-2-08

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

Roger Clemens faces an investigation this week for lying to Congress about steroid use. It's really ugly. Testimony indicates he attended a party at Jose Canseco's house where Mrs. Canseco and Mrs. Clemens compared breast sizes, and their husbands won.

The Academy Awards telecast last Sunday drew the lowest American television ratings in the show's history. It was blamed on all the foreign nominees who were honored. That photo of Oscar wearing a turban turned out to be really devastating in the polls.

Prince Harry was revealed by a tabloid Thursday to be fighting on the front line in Afghanistan. The prince was deployed to Afghanistan as a second option. They wanted to send him to Promises in Malibu to get sober but there's less heroin in Afghanistan.

Tiger Woods won again Sunday at the Accenture Open in Tucson. It is his twenty-third win since he got married. It was Ben Hogan who told golfers to take a full turn, keep your head still, shift your weight to the left then marry a Swedish blonde.

John McCain was reported Thursday to have been born in Panama. Our three choices are a Kenyan, a Panamanian and a woman linked to Bill Clinton. The reason they ran for president is because not one of them could pass the background check to be a nanny.

The Democratic Party candidates debate between Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama drew a record eight million viewers for MSNBC. It's no surprise. Ever since colonial times, witch burnings have been an effective stunt during the February ratings sweeps.

Hillary Clinton said she raised thirty-five million dollars in February. She's finally gotten the hang of Internet fundraising. It turns out the only three ways to make money on the Internet are pornography, gambling and promising free health care.

Michelle Obama accused Republicans Thursday of fear-mongering by repeating her husband's middle name, Hussein. What's happened to America? Before either Bush became president, King Hussein and Saddam Hussein were two of our best friends in the region.

The White House asked Turkey Thursday to withdraw its troops from northern Iraq, which they just invaded. We'll never get the Turks out until they have accomplished their mission. They believe they have a religious calling to bring autocracy to Iraq.

Arnold Schwarzenegger asked an Ohio military museum to return the Austrian army tank he loaned the museum. He wants it in Sacramento. He's trying to win a bet he made with Ed Begley Jr. that nothing on this planet gets worse mileage than his Hummer.

President Bush held a White House press conference Thursday. He repeated the same talking points he's used since the World Trade Center attack. To make himself perfectly clear to the American people, the press conference was simulcast in English.

President Bush said Thursday he has no idea who'll wield power in Russia after Vladimir Putin switches over to prime minister. Our president is really enjoying himself. Until the wiretapping law gets re-authorized he has a great excuse for not knowing anything.

Great Britain's judicial office said Thursday the judgment in Paul McCartney's divorce case will be announced in two weeks. Everyone's watching. It could be the most expensive divorce in British history, if you don't count the American Revolution.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio