Argus Hamilton's column for 3-18-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

Guinness Ale delivered a million signatures to Congress Monday petitioning that St. Patrick's Day be made a national holiday. The day after St. Patrick's Day should be the national holiday. That's the day everybody wakes up nauseous and can't go to work.

Hustler magazine publisher Larry Flynt offered one million dollars Saturday to Eliot Spitzer's call girl for a nude photo spread. He promised it would be done tastefully. He always uses special lighting to cast moody shadows on the uterine wall.

Danish cartoonist Kurt Westergaard said Saturday he will sell his inflammatory Prophet Muhammed cartoon. It showed a bomb fuse coming out of a turban. It almost cost Barack Obama his victory in Mississippi until everybody realized it was Muhammed.

John Daly played golf Sunday with the three amateur golfers he stood up in the Arnold Palmer pro-am when he was disqualified Wednesday for being a no-show. It could get worse. John Daly has accumulated so many thirty-day sobriety chips that he's taken up poker.

Atlanta was struck Saturday by a tornado with winds over one hundred and twenty-five miles per hour. Windows were blown out at the CNN world headquarters building. This was Pat Robertson's first bull's-eye since the San Francisco earthquake.

Dick Cheney flew to the Middle East Sunday for farewell meetings with leaders of oil producing nations. He tripled the price of oil in seven years. To Americans he may be number two, but in Saudi Arabia and the United Arab Emirates he's Brett Favre.

President Bush told the Economic Club Friday that despite the home mortgage crisis, high gas prices, lower consumer spending and crashing markets he remains an optimistic guy. Bear with him. He is just doing comedy until karate can pay the bills.

Alan Greenspan said Sunday the nation's current financial mess is the worst it has been since World War II. It was easier back then. President Roosevelt didn't have to convince eighty percent of the country every day that we were a nation at war.

President Bush vetoed a bill to ban torturing detainees last week. The momentum has swung over to his side. Now that it's been discovered there are mood-enhancing drugs in American drinking water, prisoners are demanding the right to be waterboarded.

Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama had no events on their calendars Sunday. It's the new campaign schedule. The candidates stay up late to watch Saturday Night Live, then spend Sunday huddled with their advisors to figure out what to do with the clips.

Eliot Spitzer formally resigned as governor of New York Monday because of his sex scandal. There's a reason he hired a New York prostitute to meet him in Washington D.C. for Valentine's Day. Congress had already booked all the Washington D.C. prostitutes.

New York's Lieutenant Governor David Paterson of Harlem was sworn in as the new governor of New York in the state capitol in Albany on Monday. Governor Paterson just happens to be legally blind. It's a condition he had even before St. Patrick's Day.

Barack Obama's pastor Jeremiah Wright was videotaped preaching that the U.S. invented AIDS and deserved the 9/11 attacks, and he urged his congregation to sing God Damn America. The more his sermons become public, the more trouble he gets in. When he called for the return of Czechoslovakia and parts of France and Poland, it smacked of plagiarism.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio