Argus Hamilton's column for 3-17-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

New York holds its St. Patrick's Day Parade today with a million Irish marching along Fifth Avenue. It could be the merriest celebration in parade history. This year even people who don't drink get a prescription drug high from the drinking water.

The Los Angeles Dodgers and San Diego Padres played the first ballgame in China Sunday. They were sent for the same reason Southern California soldiers were chosen to lead the invasion of Iraq when Saddam was believed to have poison gas. We can breathe anything.

President Bush addressed the Economic Club of New York on Friday. He stayed on message. He conceded people are being thrown out of their homes, markets are in turmoil and oil is at an all-time high, but he insisted history will vindicate him.

Palm Sunday was marked with Passion Plays showing the trial and crucifixion of Jesus. They include scenes of Roman soldiers throwing dice at the foot of the cross. It proves that gambling in the workplace was a problem long before there was an NCAA tournament.

Barack Obama's Chicago pastor Reverend Jeremiah Wright was shown on tape Friday preaching that Hillary Clinton was never called the N-word. Talk about ignorant. The pastor has no idea how Arkansas people regarded Yankees as late as the Seventies.

Cal Berkeley scientists used magnetic resonance imaging Friday to read a man's mind. The big breakthrough came when they were finally able to locate a man's brain. In his last act as New York governor, Eliot Spitzer donated his body to science.

The New York Times said Friday Eliot Spitzer was still under FBI investigation. They want to see if he procured beautiful call girls with campaign donations. It took ten years, but it looks like Baby Boomers are finally getting the hang of the Internet.

Eliot Spitzer's call girl Ashley Dupre permitted the New York Post to publish her modeling photos on Friday. Her legal status is murky. For charging clients by the hour and screwing them she could face charges of practicing law without a license.

New York will swear in new governor David Paterson in Albany today. He has no shortage of help. There was a huge rush of job applicants last week after they read in the papers that serving under the governor paid four thousand dollars an hour.

Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton agreed on Friday to debate again in mid-April before the Pennsylvania Democratic primary. Their one-on-one debates have gotten huge ratings. If John McCain gets elected they're going to take Rachael Ray's time slot.

Hillary Clinton entertained congressional superdelegates at her Washington D.C. home Wednesday, where she served them cocktails and lobbied for their convention votes. However, the people who came uncommitted left uncommitted. It's a lot like her marriage.

The House went into secret session Thursday to hear evidence on the president's secret wiretapping program. There was a lot of pressure. President Bush wants to keep authorizing wiretaps until every call girl in America has a recording contract and a music video.

The Houston Rockets won their twentieth consecutive game on Wednesday, tying an NBA record. The average salary of each player on the team is ten million dollars. Houston's Oil and Gas Journal refers to the team as the rapidly vanishing middle class.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio