Argus Hamilton's column for 3-16-08

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

President Bush announced Thursday he will attend a NATO summit in Romania next month. He just put missiles in Poland and fired a commander for suggesting a peace proposal. Los Angeles just outbid London and Paris as the host city for the Apocalypse.

Billy Crystal signed a one-day contract with the New York Yankees for a spring training game with Pittsburgh Thursday. The comic is a great mimic. In the first inning he performed his new Eliot Spitzer impersonation by scoring and then resigning.

New York's Mercantile Exchange saw oil reach a new high of a hundred ten dollars a barrel Thursday. It caused gasoline to hit four dollars a gallon on each coast. If gas gets any more expensive we're going to have to book our fill-ups through a pimp.

The New York Times identified Eliot Spitzer's call girl on Wednesday as Ashley Dupre. She's twenty-two. No one knows what she did for him that was worth forty-three hundred bucks, but Viagra just added resignation to its list of possible side effects.

Eliot Spitzer bought Ashley Dupre a train ticket to Washington for their paid sex romp. Talk about American ingenuity. Terrorists never dreamed you could put a weapon of mass destruction on a train and drive it right into the governor's mansion.

Ashley Dupre's recorded pop song was downloaded four million times after she met Eliot Spitzer at the Mayflower. She's on her way to a big recording career. Paris Hilton can't believe she owns a hundred thousand hotel rooms and never thought of this.

John Daly was ejected from the Arnold Palmer tournament for missing a tee time Wednesday. He can bide his time. The PGA begins testing golfers for performance-enhancing drugs this July, and for the first time the self-destructive will have the moral high ground.

President Bush vetoed a bill Monday to make it illegal for CIA agents to waterboard terrorist suspects. Don't think the congressmen have gone soft. Under the bill anyone who engages in waterboarding could get twenty years in the electric chair.

President Bush said Tuesday he invaded Iraq to liberate the Iraqis from slavery. The original pretext for war is getting hazy. President Bush can't remember if weapons of mass destruction are something we made up or something we paid somebody to make up.

Geraldine Ferraro refused to apologize for saying Barack Obama is lucky to be a black man instead of a woman. Who knew there are more sexists than racists in America? It turns out Betty Friedan should have the holiday on her birthday instead of Martin Luther King.

Hillary Clinton apologized to blacks Wednesday for her husband comparing Barack Obama to Jesse Jackson. She's disciplined. Hillary always refers to her husband in public as either the president, as Bill, or by his Secret Service code name, Client Number One.

Barack Obama's Chicago minister and spiritual counselor Jeremiah Wright went wild onstage Sunday and pantomimed a sex act between Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky. It was pretty low. Physical comedy is just a notch above song parodies.

Parliament passed a law Thursday that will impose new sin taxes on the British population. It's now really expensive to buy alcohol and smoke tobacco and drive gas-guzzling cars. Is it any wonder why Prince Harry wants to go back to Afghanistan?


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio