Argus Hamilton's column for 3-14-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

Tiger Woods is favored to win his fifth straight tournament at Arnold Palmer's Bay Hill Invitational this week. What a sport. Golf is the only game which allows a politician to spend all day with three hookers without having to resign in disgrace.

John Daly was fired Tuesday by swing coach Butch Harmon, who said Daly loves drinking more than golf. Still, he's one of the nicest guys in the game. His fans appreciate the fact that he visits Jack Daniel's grave every April and leaves flowers.

Dr. Jack Kevorkian declared Wednesday he may run for Congress from Detroit this fall. The news that Dr. Death wanted to come to Washington had to alarm President Bush. He knew his poll numbers were pretty bad, but he didn't know they were that bad.

President Bush told religious broadcasters Tuesday he sent U.S. troops to Iraq to liberate the people from slavery. So now it's slavery. There were no ties to al-Qaeda and there were no WMDs so now we invaded Iraq to integrate the schools in Mississippi.

The White House admitted on Wednesday that Admiral William Fallon was forced to resign as head of Middle East military operations on Monday. He simply wasn't on the same page as President Bush at all. His Secret Service code name is Flower Child.

The Weather Channel reported snow and ice storms blowing into the Eastern Seaboard from the Midwest Wednesday. The cold was bone chilling. It was so cold in New York that prostitutes were charging Eliot Spitzer an extra thousand dollars just to cuddle.

New York Governor Eliot Spitzer resigned Wednesday after it was learned he had spent eighty thousand dollars on hookers. His career is far from over. He woke up the next day to find himself leading all the polls to be the next president of France.

Wall Street cheered the fall of its longtime nemesis Eliot Spitzer Tuesday. He was caught by the new banking rules in the Patriot Act. Al-Qaeda always wanted to nail a crusader but they never thought they would get any help from the White House.

Eliot Spitzer made large cash transfers to a hooker in February, which triggered his wiretap. The feds have their hands full now. Arnold Schwarzenegger triggers the same wiretap every time he withdraws four thousand dollars to fill up his Hummer.

Eliot Spitzer admitted Tuesday he spent four thousand dollars to have sex with a call girl for two hours. People in Los Angeles all had the same reaction. Whether it is transportation or sex or Disneyland, in this day and age, nobody rides for free.

Tehran police chief Reza Zarei resigned Tuesday after being found naked with six naked hookers in a local brothel. His job was to enforce the Islamic dress code on women. If the police had just showed up five minutes later he would have had them dressed correctly.

Geraldine Ferraro caused a storm Monday by claiming Barack Obama got to where he is today because he's black. Anyone who criticizes Barack is a racist and anyone who criticizes Hillary is a sexist. In order to get these poisonous politics of race and gender out of the Democratic Party they are going to have to nominate a white guy.

Barack Obama's Chicago minister Jeremiah Wright on Sunday compared Barack Obama's being raised in white America to Jesus Christ being raised in the Roman Empire. It's an absurd comparison. Jesus had a health care plan that cured everybody for free.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio