Argus Hamilton's column for 3-12-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

The Vatican published a new list of behavior considered sinful by the Catholic Church Monday. The list includes pollution and genetic experiments and taking mind-damaging drugs. It looks like everyone drinking tap water in America is going to hell.

Los Angeles drinking water was discovered to contain pharmaceutical drugs this week. There are female sex hormones in the tap water. Jack Nicholson became the last surviving leading man of his generation because for forty he drank nothing but Scotch.

Barack Obama ridiculed Hillary Clinton for considering him as her running mate Monday, and Hillary responded by removing Obama from her running mate list. Las Vegas oddsmakers were not impressed. White males are 43-0 in this contest and a win by John McCain would put them only three wins away from tying Oklahoma's all-time record.

President Bush said Monday he will send Dick Cheney to Saudi Arabia to discuss the price of oil. Why send him? With oil at one hundred eight dollars a barrel, we should sent Eliot Spitzer because he's the leading expert on this kind of transaction.

New York Governor Eliot Spitzer admitted Monday he hired five-thousand-dollar-an-hour prostitutes working in a Manhattan call girl ring. He did it to feed his ego. There simply wasn't enough room in the presidential race for any more New Yorkers.

Governor Eliot Spitzer was caught on a federal wiretap procuring a high-priced call girl. One thing is for sure now. Democrats in Congress will reauthorize Jim Crow laws before they allow the president to conduct any more warrantless wiretapping.

Governor Spitzer was caught on a federal wiretap arranging to meet a call girl in a famous Washington D.C. hotel. It's not unusual. The number of women who came over on the Mayflower will never equal the number of women who came across at the Mayflower.

NBC News in New York reported Monday that Eliot Spitzer introduced himself to the prostitutes using the name George Fox. No Democrat can be linked to Fox and survive. If he had called himself George CNN the party would have rallied to his side.

New York politicians formed a chorus calling for Governor Spitzer to resign on Monday in the wake of his call girl scandal. The lieutenant governor who would replace him is legally blind. That's the first good news Wall Street has had all year.

President Bush got Poland to agree Monday to permit a U.S. missile system on Polish soil. The Russians are absolutely livid. When President Bush asserted that global warming won't destroy the planet, no one knew he had plans of beating it to the punch.

Florida officials started making plans Monday to hold a mail-in primary as the best way to help settle the Democratic nomination. Hillary has just one request. She wants all the mail-in votes just arriving for Al Gore to count as votes for her.

GOP Congressman Steve King said al-Qaeda would declare victory if Barack Obama wins. He said all the terrorists in the Middle East will be out in the streets partying. It will give everyone in Israel five minutes to go out and do their errands.

John McCain underwent his check-up in Phoenix Monday, adding to sixteen hundred pages of federal medical records on him. He's not about to release his full medical records. If anyone finds out he died five years ago it could end his political career.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio