Argus Hamilton's column for 3-11-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

America's drinking water was found to contain pharmaceuticals in investigations revealed Sunday. Researchers found antibiotics, mood stabilizers and sex hormones in the tap water. At last Roger Clemens has a defense that can get him into the Hall of Fame.

Rush Limbaugh was credited Thursday with helping Hillary Clinton win the Texas primary. He doesn't want to lose sixteen years of tested Hillary jokes. He's well aware if he tells one joke on Barack Obama he will follow Don Imus to satellite radio.

Daylight Savings Time began on the earliest date in history Sunday, mandated by an act of Congress. It was an effort by the lawmakers to police themselves. Every extra hour of moonlight increases their chance of losing their seats to a sex scandal.

The London Sun reported Sunday that a new security camera can see right through clothes and detect weapons and drugs. What a lifesaver. When a guy hits on a woman at a bar he can see if she is wearing a padded bra and she can see if he really has cocaine.

The Weather Channel reported a huge snowstorm burying the Midwest ten days before spring. It's more proof that global warming is a fairy tale. Even when President Bush is correct about something it still results in misery for millions of Americans.

U.S. troops in Iraq were reported Sunday to be suffering from unfit drinking water and contaminated bath water. It's caused widespread vomiting and diarrhea. When Mexico offered to help out in the war on terror, we should have known it would end like this.

President Bush performed for the first time ever at a Gridiron Dinner Saturday before six hundred journalists in Washington. He sang a song about going home to Texas. It made everyone wonder if letting the terrorists win would have been any worse.

President Bush vetoed a bill Sunday that would have stopped the CIA from waterboarding terror suspects. It's a cruel world. The government is holding people under water until they have coughed up everything and that's just the people with adjustable rate mortgages.

China foiled a plot Sunday to attack the Summer Olympics, which was hatched by terrorists operating in eastern Pakistan. The U.S. and Britain battle terrorists who are holed up in western Pakistan. When you think about it, Benazir Bhutto lived to a ripe old age.

London newspapers set sales records covering Prince Harry's combat experiences on his return home. It made the colonies look bad. The Bushes and Clintons are nice dynasties but when's the last time one of them was shown machine-gunning the Taliban?

John McCain said Sunday he is going to have to work hard to get press coverage with everyone watching the Democrats. If he doesn't stay in the news he won't win the election. For the future of freedom, he may be forced to date that lobbyist again.

John Kerry complained Sunday that the Clintons say simultaneously Barack Obama isn't ready to be president and he should be a heartbeat away. He's endorsed Obama. John Kerry wants everybody to know he voted for the Clintons before he voted against them.

Barack Obama said Sunday he's ahead in the popular vote and he thinks he will win the presidential nomination. So, he hasn't heard. Not only has Al Gore not made an endorsement, he hasn't given Barack the bad news about winning the popular vote.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio