Argus Hamilton's column for 3-10-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

PGA golfer Trip Isenhour was charged with killing an endangered bird Wednesday in Florida. He intentionally hit a red-shouldered hawk with a wedge shot while taping a golf instruction video. He's showing how to clear land for oil drilling the Republican way.

Hollywood adult movie star Mary Carey said she's a new person after graduating from Celebrity Rehab Thursday. The rehab program is not all that strict. According to the show's rules, drinking in Mexico doesn't affect your American sobriety.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell said Friday league agents will make unannounced raids on NFL coaches boxes, team offices and stadium video booths. He's looking for any evidence of cheating. You'd think guys who make that much money would get a room.

The California Court of Appeals ruled Friday that parents can't home-school their kids unless they are licensed teachers. We're raising a generation of dictators. That's what happens when teenage boys are allowed to elect themselves King of the Prom.

The White House honored the last living U.S. Army veteran of the First World War, Frank Buckles, Thursday on the man's one hundred and seventh birthday. Everybody there asked him the same question. What's it like for the Cubs to win a World Series?

Puerto Rico's Democratic Party will hold its presidential primary on the first of June. The island gets all the benefits of U.S. protection but they don't have to pay U.S. income taxes. Wesley Snipes's birthday is an official holiday in Puerto Rico.

Hillary Clinton spokesman Howard Wolfson said Thursday Barack Obama was acting like Ken Starr. He's the special prosecutor who got her husband impeached for lying about sex. To this day Bill Clinton kicks himself for not lying us into a war instead.

Barack Obama's adviser Samantha Power resigned Friday after she called Hillary a monster. It broke a truce. The Clintons don't bring up Barack's drug use and the Obamas don't mention Hillary's genealogical connection to the von Frankenstein family.

President Bush got news Thursday of one million homes in foreclosure and sixty thousand jobs lost. It's a family trait. The Bushes always ride into office on a white horse and by the time they leave office, nothing's left but the back of the horse.

Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke downplayed the threat of a recession and rising inflation rates Wednesday. He told congressmen that the American economy is back on its feet. That's just a nice way of saying that people are walking to save gas.

John McCain refused to say Friday how close he came to being John Kerry's running mate. However, they did have a long private conversation about whether it was better to withdraw or surge. All these guys with prostate problems have one thing on their minds.

The Associated Press reported Friday that more and more U.S. soldiers are coming home from the Middle East with hearing problems due to all the explosions. The president was outraged when he heard about it. He didn't authorize anyone to come home.

Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez threatened to invade Colombia Friday. This is cause for alarm. If war breaks out between Venezuela and Colombia, a military draft could leave Major League Baseball without one decent shortstop or second baseman.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio