Argus Hamilton's column for 2-8-08

OKLAHOMA CITY--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

Maharishi Mahesh Yogi died Tuesday after a lifetime of teaching meditation to the masses. He believed if enough people meditate and achieve inner peace it will bring bliss to the world. Bobby Knight's taking over for him but it won't be the same.

The New York Giants were given a ticker tape parade down Broadway Tuesday for winning the Super Bowl. Their defensive line won the game for them. Tom Brady spent more time on his back than Paris Hilton at an NBA All-Star Weekend in Las Vegas.

Roger Clemens' trainer Brian McNamee revealed Wednesday he kept the syringes and gauze pads he used to inject Clemens with steroids. He's no fool. If there's one thing Monica Lewinsky taught everyone it's that if you do anything between the waist and knees to a famous guy, you should keep the DNA evidence in case you need it.

The Republican Party primaries Tuesday left the GOP dismayed and split between three oddball candidates. One guy thinks the earth was made in six days, one guy thinks the Garden of Eden was in Missouri, one guy wants U.S. troops in Iraq for the next hundred years. And Britney Spears thought she got out of the asylum on Wednesday.

Britney Spears was taken home in a convoy of SUVs from UCLA Hospital Wednesday afternoon, followed all the way by news helicopters. It confirmed what doctors said about her. You have to be nuts to take the San Diego Freeway at four in the afternoon.

Robert Culp demanded Monday that the Los Angeles Zoo shut down its elephant exhibit because it's too cramped. They represent this town. You can spend all day feeding peanuts to the elephants at the L.A. Zoo and they'll leave you for the guy with cashews.

Prince Andrew chided the White House for ignoring Britain's advice on post-war Iraq from centuries of colonial experience. It was no use. This is a president who believes that until night baseball came along, the sun never set on the British umpire.

Dick Cheney was applauded Thursday by the Conservative Political Action Conference in Washington. He exaggerated Iraq's threat in order to push America into an unnecessary war. He was hired by the conference to narrate his slide show called America's Viking Past.

Rush Limbaugh tore into John McCain on the air Wednesday, insisting he can't be the GOP nominee. If conservatives could, they would nominate a cardboard cut-out of Ronald Reagan. They've simply got too much pride to reverse their position on cloning.

Mike Huckabee quoted the Bible Wednesday as he discussed his primary wins. Many people feel there's too much religion in politics now. Voters are tired of news commentators shouting hallelujah whenever they mention Barack Obama's name on the air.

Hillary Clinton admitted Wednesday she had to loan her campaign five million dollars of her own money to make up for a sudden fundraising shortfall. The public lapped it up. Hillary hasn't even been elected yet and already the Clintons are leaping from ice floe to ice floe as the river current takes them toward Niagara Falls.

Saudi Arabia arrested a U.S businesswoman Tuesday for sitting at a Starbucks in Riyadh with a man. It's terrible. She was strip-searched, threatened, bruised and forced to sign a false confession, and that was after they turned her over to the CIA.

National Intelligence Director Mike McConnell tried Wednesday to reshape his opposition to waterboarding. It's a no-win deal. Nazi Germany's chief interrogator once said he got more information out of prisoners by playing gin rummy with them, but by the time you teach a terrorist how to play gin rummy, the world could blow up.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio