Argus Hamilton's column for 2-7-08

OKLAHOMA CITY--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

Senator Arlen Specter will investigate if the New England Patriots illegally taped St. Louis practices before a Super Bowl six years ago. It's huge. Dick Cheney is thanking his lucky stars he only cheated to take the country to war and not to win a football game.

The University of Verona in Italy released a study on Monday saying high-heeled shoes strengthen women's leg muscles, which can lead to better sex lives. It can also lead to problems. A lot of women fall and break something and that's just from the free drinks.

Roger Clemens was deposed Tuesday on Capitol Hill, where Congress forced him to deny under oath that he ever used performance-enhancing drugs. Talk about hypocrisy. This is the same Congress that approved Viagra six months before it was even tested on white rats.

Mississippi lawmaker John Read proposed a bill to ban restaurants from serving food to obese customers. That's an infringement on Southern liberties. Next thing you know he will be demanding that they lower the McDonald's flag at the state capitol.

Super Tuesday fractured Republican Party presidential hopes after Mike Huckabee and Mitt Romney and John McCain split the vote. Conservatives don't know where to turn. There's a movement to recruit Jeb Bush, but the name recognition would kill him.

Mike Huckabee won in West Virginia, Alabama, Arkansas, Tennessee and Georgia plus strong finishes in Oklahoma and Missouri Tuesday. He's a Southern Baptist minister. Mike Huckabee's held more people under water than the CIA and the East Germans put together.

Republican Party candidate Ron Paul got only five percent of the votes Tuesday for his message of less government, lower taxes, and following the Constitution. The American people have spoken. Five percent of the voters are for freedom, and ninety-five percent are for free stuff.

John Cougar Mellencamp asked John McCain to stop using his song Our Country at rallies. It asks the government to help the poor. He's just using John Mellencamp's music until Toby Keith records a song promising to stay in Iraq for one hundred years.

Hillary Clinton hung tough in the Democratic primaries Tuesday despite a media lovefest for Barack Obama. It got silly. The press placed such a halo around Barack Obama's head that President Bush put him on speed-dial between Jesus and King Abdullah.

Barack Obama stunned pollsters Tuesday by getting half the white voters in the Georgia Democratic primary. They'd rather vote for a black guy who declared his candidacy in Abe Lincoln's hometown than for Mrs. Bill Clinton. To people who remember the Civil War as if it were yesterday, oral sex is not adultery was just this morning.

Super Tuesday brought out a big turnout in states with a high number of Latino voters. They voted their interests. It was a stroke of genius when Hillary Clinton changed her name to Amnesty Winehouse just before the California polls opened Tuesday.

President Bush insisted Tuesday on protecting phone companies from lawsuits for spying on Americans. It made page ten. President Bush should call Britney Spears' guardian and ask if he can borrow her publicist while she's learning to sew moccasins.

Coach Bobby Knight retired Monday after forty-two seasons and nine hundred and two wins. Reaction differed. Sportswriters ripped Bobby Knight, coaches praised Bobby Knight and Homeland Security reduced the threat level from Code Orange to Code Yellow.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio