Argus Hamilton's column for 2-3-08

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

Britney Spears was termed mentally unstable by UCLA Hospital Friday. She's the one who said five years ago we should listen to President Bush and do what he says. If we didn't lock her up for that, why are we bothering her about disorderly conduct?

Teddy Kennedy began campaigning for Barack Obama on Tuesday after he abandoned Hillary Clinton's candidacy to endorse her presidential rival. No one was all that surprised. This isn't the first time that Teddy Kennedy told a blonde to sink or swim.

Kentucky Fried Chicken offered a quarter million dollars to charity if players do a chicken dance after a Super Bowl touchdown today. It mustn't happen. Every time someone dances in front of a football player, somebody either gets shot or overtipped.

Fox Network will charge three million dollars for half-minute ads in the Super Bowl. No political ads are allowed. The National Football League doesn't allow issue ads during the Super Bowl, unless the issue is whether or not cleavage sells beer.

The New England Patriots try to make history against the New York Giants today in the Super Bowl. The entire nation will be sitting on the edge of its seats. The Patriots are undefeated, if you don't count Iraq, Afghanistan and the Mexican border.

Tom Brady showed up for the Super Bowl with a gorgeous supermodel Friday. Last year he got another supermodel pregnant. Caroline Kennedy announced she's never before seen a quarterback who inspired her the way people say her father inspired them.

The Arizona Republic said one thousand female escorts came to Phoenix for Super Bowl week. It's a custom that will die out soon. The only guys who can afford Super Bowl tickets are rich old men who don't know how to have cyber-sex on their Blackberrys.

Blue Star Jets said Friday it chartered two hundred flights from New York City to Phoenix for Super Bowl fans last week. The fans would rather pay sixty thousand dollars than fly commercial. The reason guys accumulate that much money is to make up for what those new X-ray machines at Sky Harbor Airport will see through their clothes.

Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama had a debate on Thursday at the Kodak Theater in Los Angeles. It got too technical. If they had spent another five minutes talking about mandates, the audience would have paired off and gone dancing in West Hollywood.

Tiger Woods will tee it up today in the final round of the Dubai Open, which is sponsored by the sheik of the United Arab Emirates. The game is right at home in the Middle East. Golf is like the Old Testament God, there are lots of rules and no mercy.

Jesse Jackson slammed Major League Baseball Thursday for sending investigators to see if umpires belong to the Ku Klux Klan. He's outraged. He's fought the Klan and all it stands for his entire life, but he would never suspect them of being umpires.

The National Archives said Thursday it's forwarding Hillary Clinton's daily schedules as first lady to former President Clinton for his review. After he looks them over they will be sent to the White House for President Bush's review. If Saddam Hussein could have stalled this well, he would still be the president of Iraq.

Saddam Hussein's FBI interrogator George Piro was interviewed last week on CBS' 60 Minutes. The dictator ruled by a philosophy that was simple, but it worked for him. Saddam Hussein believed that if you teach a man to build a fire, he will be warm all night, but if you set a man on fire, he will be warm for the rest of his life.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio