Argus Hamilton's column for 2-29-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

President Bush hosted the Boston Red Sox at the White House Wednesday to mark the team's World Series victory. He had a great time joking with the team. They won twice during his presidency, making the Red Sox the glaring exception to the rule.

Roger Clemens faces a perjury probe today for denying steroid use to the House Oversight Committee. It seems a little harsh to charge him with lying to Congress. It's not like everybody believed him and invaded Iraq on the strength of what he said.

Michael Jackson reportedly got a loan Wednesday to avoid foreclosure on Neverland Ranch in Santa Barbara. It has outlived its usefulness. After all the publicity that the house has gotten, there's no way the neighbors still think it's a junior high.

The New York Philharmonic orchestra got a standing ovation in North Korea this week. They're already sorry they went. Dick Cheney canceled their return flight saying that if they leave, it will destabilize the region and empower the terrorists.

Hillary Clinton on Tuesday found herself barely holding on in the polls in Texas, slightly leading in Ohio and just ahead in Pennsylvania, and she must win all three or she's finished. No wonder the turnout has been so good. Hollywood has known for a hundred years that nothing draws a crowd like tying a blonde to the railroad tracks.

Barack Obama's church faces an IRS probe for letting him make a political speech at the church's convention. No problem. The church has a million hours of cable news footage to prove he is Jesus, so they will have no trouble proving it was just a business trip.

John McCain was reported Wednesday to be interested in Florida governor Charlie Crist as his running mate. How smart. If Democrats nominate Obama, John McCain should select the Florida governor and give the voters a clear choice between Jesus and Crist.

Barack Obama and John McCain gave speeches ridiculing each other's Iraq policy Wednesday. Their differences are easy to understand. John McCain wants to stay in Iraq for the next hundred years and Barack Obama is still young enough to get drafted.

Cincinnati radio host Bill Cunningham slammed John McCain for repudiating his onstage intro of the senator, during which he called Obama a terrorist-coddling hack politician from Chicago. It's crazy. The radio guy decided in anger to endorse Hillary Clinton, who is refusing his endorsement saying he's too soft on Barack Obama.

Hillary Clinton spoke for three hours in a gymnasium in Ohio on Wednesday. It's absolutely amazing how nature always replenishes itself. The moment Fidel Castro retires from public life, another party member arises to take the three-hour time slot.

The Supreme Court heard arguments Wednesday on the Exxon Valdez oil spill caused by pilot Joseph Hazelwood eighteen years ago in Alaska. What a mess. To this day no speaker can follow him at AA meetings when he details the damage done by his drinking.

The House Commerce Committee tried to force pro sports to freeze athletes' blood and store it for future HGH testing. The administration opposes the idea, calling it unconstitutional. Republicans are constitutionally opposed to bleeding rich people.

The White House admitted Tuesday that a week of Dick Cheney's e-mail has disappeared. It happened to be the week a special prosecutor opened an investigation into the leaking of a CIA agent's name. If the vice president really wanted to make sure the e-mail never falls into the hands of prosecutors, he probably sent it to the Clinton Library.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio