Argus Hamilton's column for 2-28-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

The Doomsday Vault opened in Norway Tuesday to store crop seeds in case of a global catastrophe. The seed vault can survive a nuclear strike and global warming. Dick Cheney, who loves a challenge, was last seen boarding a flight to Norway with a flock of chickens.

Jennifer Lopez was reported jubilant about the birth of her twins with husband Marc Anthony. Nine months ago she telephoned him when she knew it was her maximum fertile moment and he rushed over. Denny's said they will not be welcomed there again.

Academy Award winner Tilda Swinton told reporters backstage Sunday she has two boyfriends in her life. She lives with both of them under one roof. It's perfectly legal in California as long as you pay a twenty-five dollar fee for the extra baggage.

Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch may be sold at auction in two weeks. He owes twenty-four million dollars on it. He's just another Californian who's losing his house, except the teaser that caused the problem was a Hershey bar and a ferris wheel.

Pope Benedict raised the standards for church sainthood Thursday. He called on bishops to exercise more rigor and sobriety in selecting saints. Barack Obama was in enough trouble when people thought he was Muslim, and now they think he's Catholic.

Barack Obama was shown in a photograph released Monday wearing a Muslim turban in Kenya last year. It gets nastier. The next day an old photograph surfaced of Hillary Rodham leading a meeting of the Methodist Youth Fellowship, an all-white club.

Hillary Clinton debated Barack Obama for the twentieth time Tuesday on NBC. It was nothing we haven't seen before. At one point NBC was forced to separate them with Chelsea Clinton and a chocolate Labrador to prevent them from killing each other.

Hillary Clinton cited a Saturday Night Live skit to complain that Barack Obama gets worshipful press coverage. Reporters missed her remarks. They were standing in line to get into a arena where Barack Obama was performing the blessing of the microphones.

John McCain rebuked an Ohio radio talk show host who introduced him at a rally Tuesday. The guy called Obama a terrorist-coddling hack politician from Chicago. Senator McCain used his sternest tones to point out that Senator Obama is from Hawaii.

South Florida had a power outage after a nuclear plant automatically shut down Tuesday. It's the Supreme Court's fault. Lawmakers are hoping the high court lets them go back to lethal injection because the electric chair is sapping the power grid.

President Bush showed slides of his Africa trip Tuesday and discussed how much he enjoyed the experience. He obviously loved coaching kids in Ghana Little League baseball. The outfielders don't just overthrow the cutoff man, they topple his statue.

Fidel Castro made it clear Tuesday he is not fading away. He said he is still commander in chief, he heads the party and he won't give up his newspaper column. Half the political prisoners in Cuba are editors who have tried to cancel his column.

Reggie Bush blew off his deposition in San Diego Monday in the civil suit that alleged he took money and a house while he played football at USC. The NCAA still hasn't punished USC. If this infraction had been committed by Oklahoma or by the Clintons, they would have already had to forfeit every victory in the last twenty years.




Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio