Monday, February 25, 2008

Argus Hamilton's column for 2-25-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

The Academy Award nominees for Best Actor on Sunday were actors who played an assassin, a gangster, a bank robber, an attorney and an oil man. This year all the bad guys are white males. It's what the Democratic Party calls the tide of history.

Hillary Clinton denied on Friday that her praise for Barack Obama in the Texas debate was a concession speech. She knows what she's doing. She figures if she can stay in the race until Easter there's a chance that Barack Obama will just float away.

John McCain was backed by conservatives on Friday after the New York Times hinted he had an affair with a lobbyist. He's married to a rodeo queen and beer heiress. In the desert Southwest and in fifteen Southern states his nickname is Prince Philip.

The New England Patriots were reported Friday to have been secretly videotaping other teams for six years. The tapes were destroyed. The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl, the neighbors complained about the loud party at the Nixon Library.

Fidel Castro met with reporters after announcing his resignation on Friday and said he's physically exhausted and he's going to take a vacation. It's obvious what he's going to do next. He's defeated nine U.S. presidents, he's going to Disneyland.

Harry Caray's bar in Chicago invited fans to share a one-hundred-gallon mug of beer Friday to mark the one hundred years since the Cubs won the World Series. So you see the problem. Chicagoans fight a flu epidemic the same way they play baseball.

Snoop Dogg was ticketed in New York for pot possession Friday. He was arrested three times for pot, once for cocaine and gun possession and he's been acquitted of murder. He is thirty-six years old, which is one hundred and eighty in rap star years.

Homeland Security announced completion of a virtual fence on the Mexican border Thursday. It's a wall of motion sensors and invisible laser beams. Last night ten Mexicans walked through the virtual wall and Keanu Reeves welcomed them to the Matrix.

Roger Clemens may have attended a party at Jose Canseco's home which he had hotly denied attending. A photo of him at the party taken by an eleven-year-old boy has surfaced. If Hillary was president, children wouldn't have to sell tabloid photos to pay for college.

The Secret Service ordered Dallas police to stop screening people for weapons as they entered an arena for Barack Obama's speech Wednesday because the line was slow. There's no reason to worry. For crying out loud, it's Dallas, what could happen?

GOP Congressman Rick Renzi was indicted on three dozen counts of embezzlement on Friday. He had been a great American success story. Rick Renzi started out as a lowly bank teller and within a month he was bringing home ten thousand dollars a week.

Southern Methodist University announced Friday it will be the home of the George W. Bush library. It took awhile to overcome the local opposition. They had to wait until oil hit one hundred dollars a barrel before nobody in Texas would argue with it.

Mike Huckabee said Friday his goal is a deadlocked GOP convention this summer even though John McCain has already virtually clinched the nomination. He's no good at mathematics. When he was in high school, Mike Huckabee refused to take geometry because he believes geometry is just Satan's way of getting children to draw his symbols.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio