Argus Hamilton's column for 2-24-08

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

The Academy Awards ceremony airs on ABC tonight live from the Kodak Theater on Hollywood Boulevard. Everybody in show business will be there. Jamie Lynn Spears just announced she'll attend the ceremony in order to spend less time with her family.

The NBA season resumed Tuesday after a spectacular All-Star weekend that showcased new stars. The quality of play has fans on their feet. The Los Angeles Lakers look so great that people are already picking out a place to burn down in June.

Raul Castro took over the reins of power in Cuba Tuesday. Street parties broke out in Havana. The Cuban people are like the woman who enjoyed the happiest day of her life when she walked up to the altar, kissed her husband, and then closed the lid.

John McCain was reported Thursday to have been suspected by his aides of having an affair with a lobbyist during his last presidential bid. She looks just like his second wife, who looks just like his first wife. Some men just don't understand the concept of cheating.

Barack Obama drew eighteen thousand adoring fans to Reunion Arena in Dallas on Tuesday as he battled a head cold. They even applauded him when he blew his nose onstage. Billy Graham sent him a note offering him one hundred dollars for that trick.

Hillary Clinton performed deftly in the Texas debate on Thursday. She finessed a question about a border wall by going into a long description of smart fencing. You don't stay married to Errol Flynn without learning a thing or two about smart fencing.

The U.S. Navy fired a missile and shot down a satellite flying one hundred thirty miles above the earth and going eighteen thousand miles an hour. What a shot. Now you know why the Navy won't take anybody who didn't graduate from a four-year video arcade.

The U.S. Embassy in Belgrade was burned Thursday by Serb mobs angry about the U.S. recognition of Kosovo. The White House expressed annoyance that Serbia couldn't control the crowd. We don't have enough troops left to express anything but annoyance.

President Bush's news briefings in Africa were halted twice by birds. In Rwanda he was drowned out by cranes and in Ghana it was shrieking peacocks. We knew the Bush presidency was an Alfred Hitchcock movie but up until now we thought it was Psycho.

President Bush was in Monrovia Thursday and congratulated Liberians for ending their fourteen-year civil war. He said it's much easier to destroy a country than to rebuild one. So you see, his critics are wrong, he has learned something in seven years.

The British Medical Society called for higher taxes on alcohol to combat binge drinking. It never ends. The doctors won't be happy until James Bond opens each movie by introducing himself to a roomful of strangers as a sex addict and a alcoholic.

The Florida Board of Education voted to allow evolution to be taught as a science in Florida schools. It's a partisan issue. The Gallup Poll shows seventy percent of Republicans believe in evolution while five percent of monkeys believe in Republicans.

Senators Joe Biden and John Kerry and Chuck Hagel were onboard a U.S. helicopter in Afghanistan Thursday when bad weather forced it to land in a remote mountain area. They were never in danger. The senators were rescued by U.S. troops as soon as they radioed in their latitude, their longitude and their support for a military pay raise.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio