Argus Hamilton's column for 2-22-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

The New York Times reported Wednesday that John McCain's aides believed he was having an affair with a young female lobbyist eight years ago. The flurry will die down soon. Hillary Clinton just agreed to go on CBS' 60 Minutes Sunday and forgive him.

The U.S. Navy fired a missile Wednesday to shoot down a satellite the size of a school bus. It was a purely political act. The Republican Party has won seven of the last ten presidential elections by opposing school busing with everything they've got.

Cuba's new leader Raul Castro showed a willingness to work with U.S. authorities after taking over Tuesday. He offered to return any U.S. terror suspects who escape over the fence at Guantanamo. It only adds to Cuba's long list of human rights abuses.

Roger Clemens canceled a public appearance at Disney Hollywood Studios this week. It might have caused a ruckus. There's a cantaloupe on display at the entrance gate next to a sign telling visitors their heads must be this small to go inside.

Saturday Night Live auditioned comedians Tuesday to find the one who does the funniest Barack Obama impression for the show's sketches. Finding a comedian to impersonate Hillary was simple. Playing a corpse is everybody's first acting job in show business.

Steven Spielberg quit as adviser to the Olympics opening ceremony. He wants China to change their Darfur policy and they won't do it. The last time anyone said no to Steven Spielberg he warned his kindergarten teacher she'd never work in show business again.

The Los Angeles Dodgers and San Diego Padres announced Wednesday they'll play a series of exhibition games against each other in China in two weeks. They love baseball in China. One stadium has a left-field wall that is four thousand miles long.

The New York Times listed Major League ballplayers Wednesday who are involved in cockfighting in the Dominican Republic. It's a natural combination. The birds are all on steroids, so of course the cocks are a little smaller than you would expect.

Hillary Clinton's campaign manager said Wednesday she will make a much better commander-in-chief than her rivals. She's well schooled in the use of force. How many presidential candidates can honestly say that they have thrown a lamp at an important world leader?

President Bush enjoyed a tee-ball game in Ghana on Wednesday as the Little Saints played the Little Dragons for one inning. The kids played their hearts out. The way he is throwing money around in Africa they thought he was George Steinbrenner.

President Bush denied in Africa Tuesday that the U.S. was planning to build U.S. Army bases in Africa. The ruse worked. Whenever a U.S. president visits Africa they disguise their oil wells as windmills so that Republicans will leave town on schedule.

John McCain's wife Cindy McCain told a Republican audience Tuesday that she has always been proud of her country. It was a swipe at Michelle Obama who had just said she was proud of her country for the first time. Cindy's from Navajo country and Michelle is from Chippewa country, and everyone naturally thinks their casino is best.

George Washington's birthday is celebrated nationwide today. As a twenty-one-year-old lieutenant he accidentally started a world war when his troops misread his hand signal and fired on sleeping French soldiers in the Allegheny woods. So you see, President Bush still has a long way to go before he rates an obelisk in his honor.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio